


Watch Your Wording

by MajinPiccolo



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Humor, M/M, Shenron is not impressed with you Yamcha, Yamza - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-06-30 11:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15750804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajinPiccolo/pseuds/MajinPiccolo
Summary: When Yamcha gathered the Dragon Balls and wished for a soulmate to be by his side forever, he got two surprises- first, that his soulmate is apparently a super villain, and second, that the dragon interpreted this wish very, very literally...A humor fic, set after Dragon Ball Super / FighterZ.





	1. Wishing For You

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter One: Wishing For You

“I can’t believe you’re really doing this,” Puar said with a sigh. 

“More like ‘finally’ doing this,” Yamcha said as he placed the seventh and final Dragon Ball in his bag. “I mean, I’ve been wanting to make a wish like this since I was a teenager, but life kept getting in the way…”

“There’s still time to choose something else to wish for! Something practical!” Puar’s tone was hopeful, but his plea was ignored. Yamcha whistled cheerfully to himself as he pocketed the borrowed Dragon Radar and headed back to the entrance of the cave, then dumped his bag on the grass. The cat-like shapeshifter sighed again. “You’re going to make the wish immediately?”

“No time like the present! Why put it off any longer?” Yamcha grinned. A few moments later the sky was dark and the Eternal Dragon was floating majestically above them. “You know, there was a time when I thought this guy would never stop being impressive, but he does kinda loose his oomph after seeing so many wishes granted,” Yamcha whispered behind his hand to Puar, then spoke up. “I wish to no longer be terrible with women!”

It was clear from the look on Shenron’s face that even he thought it was a waste of a wish, but with a wave of his claw it was theoretically taken care of. “It is done. Name your next wish.” 

“Oh yeah, I always forget he grants multiple wishes now!” 

“What else will you wish for, Lord Yamcha?” Puar asked. “Perhaps money or property or something like that?”

“Oh hell no,” Yamcha grinned. “I think… If I’m good with women now thanks to that first wish, then why wait to find the right one when I can have her brought straight to me?” 

“That sounds like a really dodgy idea-“

“No, it’s a perfect one!” He looked back up at the seemingly bored dragon and excitedly shouted, “I just have one more wish! Somewhere out there is the person who is perfect for me, my destined partner! I wish for my soulmate, so they can be by my side from this moment to the rest of forever!”

Despite his lack of visible pupils, Shenron somehow managed to roll his eyes. “Usually you people summon me for important things, matters of life or death-“

“So you can’t do it?”

“Of course I can. I just think it’s a lame wish, but it shall be done.” 

A yard or so away the air began to glow and take on a somewhat human shape- Yamcha rushed toward it, arms outstretched. “It’s so good to meet you at last, my love-“ he stopped short and stared in shock as the light vanished and he found himself face to face with a very confused looking… “F-Frieza?!” Yamcha looked back up for an explanation but only saw the dragon disappear and the Balls, rocks once again, vanishing into the distance. 

The emperor of the universe’s expression changed from confusion to anger as he looked around. “Oh, it’s you. Yamcha, wasn’t it? Would you mind explaining what I’m doing here?” 

Yamcha held up his hands. “It’s, uh, I made a wish on the Dragon Balls but I think that I pissed off Shenlong and now he’s just fucking with me?” 

“And what exactly was that wish, human?” 

“Um, well, nothing terribly important-“

“Stop stalling or I’ll kill you! Now answer me!”

“I kinda wished to meet my soulmate,” Yamcha laughed nervously, “but again, I think the Dragon is trying to teach me a lesson about wasting his power since he brought me you instead-“

Frieza blinked a couple times, then started laughing uncontrollably before wheezing out, “you could have wished for anything! Eternal life, or, or unlimited power! But instead you asked for companionship?! That’s so sad I almost pity you!” 

Yamcha sighed. “Maybe I just don’t have a destined partner and he couldn’t grant the wish properly because of that. Damn, this is disappointing…” 

“Either way,” Puar peeked out from where he had been hiding behind his best friend, “You can leave now, go back to space please!” 

Frieza crossed his arms. “I had been in the middle of some very important matters when my day was completely interrupted, you know. I think I’d like compensation for that.” 

“Okay…” Yamcha was too scared of Frieza to object, and pulled out his wallet. “I don’t normally carry a lot of cash, uh, it looks like I’ve only got a couple Zeni on me but you can have that-“

“What makes you think I have any interest in your valueless Earth currency? By compensation, I mean I’d like some entertainment.” Frieza smirked. “Killing you should be sufficient.” 

For a moment Yamcha nearly started crying from his terrible luck, but he pulled himself back together almost instantly and, not taking his eyes off Frieza, took up a fighting stance. “Puar, get out of here and go find Goku and the rest. I’ll… I’ll try and last as long as I can against this monster. Now go!”

Frieza shrugged. “Might as well say your good byes, rodent. As for you, Yamcha, I’ll be charitable enough to let you have the first hit. Do try and amuse me at least a little before you die.” 

“Well, here goes nothing,” Yamcha muttered, then rushed toward his so called soulmate, throwing everything he had into one desperate attack. “Wolf Fang Fist!” 

Unsurprisingly, Frieza didn’t flinch. “For what it’s worth, that’s not a terrible move. What a pity it’s used by such a weak fighter.” He laughed ‘politely’, then his expression got serious again. “I suppose that’s that- an amusing use of a few seconds of this time of mine you’re wasting, but I do think the moment is finally right for me to kill you.” 

He pointed a finger toward the human and began charging his Ki. Yamcha stood his ground- if this was the end, there was no point in running. He only hoped Puar had managed to get far enough away that he wouldn’t be the next target… “Say farewell!” Frieza shouted- but as he shot his Death Beam, it seemed to vanish in the air half way between the two men. “What?”

Yamcha slowly opened his eyes. “I’m alive?”

“Not for long,” Frieza answered and shot another Ki Blast without bothering to charge it first this time- with similar effect. Frustrated, he grabbed the front of Yamcha’s shirt and lifted him off the ground. “How are you doing that?” He demanded. 

“I’m not! I don’t know what happened there!” The human honestly answered. 

With a growl the Emperor dropped him. “Well, there’s plenty of time for me to solve that mystery later, but for now I’ll just have to resort to a less efficient method of murdering you-“ his strike was so quick Yamcha almost couldn’t see it- but Frieza’s punch stopped several inches short of it’s target. “No?!” Frustrated, Frieza struck again and again with his fists, then kicks, and even his tail, but it was as if there was some sort of barrier around the taller man, with every increasingly desperate attack falling short. 

“Uh… is this a joke?” Yamcha finally asked with a very forced laugh as yet another blow didn’t land. Frieza stopped his attack and glared as he raised his right arm over his head, a massive ball of Ki forming above it. 

“If you’re somehow preventing me from killing you directly, perhaps I’ll just have to finally destroy this horrid planet!” …that didn’t work either, with the energy once again becoming nothing before it could hit it’s mark. “I’m giving you one more chance to explain this, human…” 

Yamcha was nearly delirious from the mix of confusion, terror, and the lingering feeling that this was all an elaborate joke at his expense. “Or else what? You’ll not kill me again? Ha ha?” Another glare from Frieza had Yamcha holding up his hands in surrender. “I honestly don’t know, okay?”

“Fine then, I’ll accept this, for now at least. But don’t think I’ll forget- I’ll just have to come back and finish this later.” Frieza flew off into the sky, fully intending to return to space- he didn’t get more than a few feet away when some invisible force pulled him back down. After several more tries he turned to a similarly baffled Yamcha. “I suppose you can’t explain this, either?” 

“Nope.” 

“Of course you can’t,” Frieza muttered. He then grabbed Yamcha by the arm. 

“Hey! What are you doing?!”

“Testing a theory,” Frieza smirked before throwing the other man as hard as he could. Thanks to the emperor’s excessive strength Yamcha had flown a couple hundred yards before he managed to regain control of himself and fly back to the ground. Almost immediately he was knocked over by Frieza, who had fallen on top of him, but quickly jumped back up. Ignoring the human’s questions, Frieza said held up a hand to silence him. “I’m not sure why, but it seems that, for whatever obnoxious reason, I not only can’t do anything that would result directly or indirectly in your death, but I can’t be more than a few feet away from you. This is… ridiculous. And unacceptable.” 

“That doesn’t make sense!” Yamcha took a few steps backwards. Sure enough, Frieza was yanked forward after him, almost stumbling to the ground in the process. Disturbed, Yamcha turned around and ran full speed away from the emperor- but it seemed the faster he moved the more dramatic whatever force was keeping the shorter man near him became, and his increased speed just resulted in Frieza being launched after him. They ended up once again colliding and falling to the ground. Picking himself back up, Yamcha sighed. “Ugh, I’m never gonna use the Dragon Balls for anything frivolous ever again!” 

Frieza had also returned to his feet. “Yamcha, I may not be able to kill you for whatever damnable reason at this exact moment, but trust me when I say that I can and will make you yearn for death. So with that in mind, what do you plan on doing about this unlivable situation?” 

“Um, maybe Goku and the rest of my friends will know what to do?” Yamcha answered, shrugging. 

“Oh joy, just when I was wondering if this day could get any better…” 

At first, Frieza attempted to follow Yamcha, but their inability to be more than a yard or so away from one another made this complicated. After the third time they were knocked out of the sky by Frieza being violently yanked back toward Yamcha the emperor grabbed the human’s wrist. “Frieza?!” 

“I don’t like this either, but unless we stay close we’re not getting anywhere and this seems to be the easiest way to be sure that happens.” With that they set back out with considerably less incident. They didn’t have to go much farther though- Goku and the rest suddenly appeared in front of them via his Instant Transmission technique. Frieza immediately let go of Yamcha. 

“Yamcha! You’re alive!” Puar exclaimed happily, immediately returning to his oldest friend’s side. 

“Frieza… I knew you’d be back, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon!” Goku said. 

“To be honest I didn’t expect to be here today either,” he replied. 

\- - - 

It took some time to explain the strange situation. Yamcha was rather embarrassed to admit what he’d used the Dragon’s power for and skated over that part of things as quickly as possible. He then explained (with occasional sarcastic interjections from Frieza) how the emperor had appeared on Earth, and how he seemed unable to harm Yamcha or put any distance between them. In fact, Frieza was happy to sucker punch an unsuspecting Vegeta in the stomach half way through the story, just to double check that it was indeed only Yamcha that his abilities were ineffective against. Yamcha finished his explanation with “So yeah, learn from my mistake guys, don’t make Shenron mad!” 

Piccolo, who had been silent through most of the explanation, shook his head. “I don’t think that’s what happened here. While it’s true that your wishes were ridiculously selfish, that wouldn’t have stopped the Dragon from properly granting them.” 

“Piccolo would know what he’s talking about here, since Kami created the prior set of Dragon Balls,” Gohan agreed, before turning back to Yamcha with an expression of pure horror. “So that means…” 

“Yamcha and Frieza really are soulmates?!” Bulma looked about ready to pass out. 

Frieza crossed his arms. “This is just pure foolishness and I refuse to believe in it.” 

Yamcha, on the other hand, seemed lost in thought, slowly circling the emperor and appearing to be carefully looking him over. “You know what? I think… I think I’m okay with this.” 

That caught the whole group off guard. “You’re WHAT?!”

“Hey, hear me out for a sec,” Yamcha said, “I mean, if Frieza really is my destined soulmate, then why try and fight it? I’m gonna be a volunteer in my fate, not a victim!”

“Aren’t you forgetting something important? You know, the fact that I’m very, very evil?” The man in question asked.

Yamcha laughed it off. “Obviously! But since I wouldn’t end up in a relationship with someone who was actively participating in, well, murder and all that, it must mean that my love will redeem you! How awesome is that? I had no idea I was such a badass!” 

“Are you even listening to yourself right now?” Bulma asked. “I mean, look at him! He’s not exactly your type physically, even if he wasn’t a super villain!” 

“Watch your tongue, woman,” Frieza answered, “I’ll have you know that I’m considered quite handsome by the standards of most species!” 

“I mean, he’s kinda right,” Yamcha said, blushing a bit, “like, if you don’t look at him like you would a human and just take him by his own merits, isn’t he actually kinda pretty?” 

“While your tastes in such matters are clearly more refined than the rest of this pitiful group, we’re losing track of the more important concern here,” Frieza approached Piccolo as best he could with his currently limited movement. “If you’re such an expert on that dragon, tell me, why did Yamcha’s wish have the side effect of not allowing me to either kill him or escape his obnoxious presence?” 

Piccolo didn’t answer, instead asking Yamcha, “How exactly did you word the wish?” 

“Like I can remember that now?” 

“I remember!” Puar volunteered. “I’m pretty sure he said ‘I wish for my soulmate, so they can be by my side from this moment to the rest of forever!’ ”

Several members of the group, including Frieza, snickered. Yamcha tried to ignore them. Piccolo nodded. “I think that explains it. Shenlong took that very literally- Frieza can’t leave because you wished for him to be by your side ‘forever.’ And I’m guessing that he can’t kill you because then you’d be prematurely separated when your soul goes to the otherworld…” 

“I will not stand for this! How long until we can make the Dragon undo this curse?!” Frieza demanded. 

“Well, the Balls have to regenerate, then of course it takes some time to find them after they scatter, so it won’t be any time soon,” Goku explained. Frieza shook his head. 

“I’m not going to just sit around here waiting for that, then. I have an empire to run and a revenge to plan, so I suppose I’ll just have to drag this idiot along with me while I do so. I need a ship.” 

“What, you think we’re going to just help you out and give you a spaceship?” Vegeta asked. 

Frieza shook his head. “You forget there are consequences to disobeying me, Vegeta. Just because I can’t strike Yamcha doesn’t mean I’m powerless.” He attempted to make his point by firing a Ki blast at Bulma, but Yamcha stepped to the side, and the invisible force pulled Frieza along with him, throwing off his aim. He tried this several times before he gave up. 

“Sorry Frieza, but I can’t have my soulmate killing people, that’s super uncool!” 

The emperor covered his face with his hands, wondering when he’d wake up from this nightmare… 

End Chapter One: Wishing For You

Author’s Note: Tumblr friends know I’m working two jobs currently and have zero free time, but job number two has the perk of being able to type a little in my downtime, sooooo we get this cracky fic that I’ve been picking at. This is very unusual for me because, in contrast to my usual method of completely plotting out and outlining a fic before I write it, this is entirely off the top of my head. Even I don’t know how long it will be or where it’s going. If you read it I thank you for putting up with my Yamza fixation, and if you comment, know that you made my day and gave me something to live for during this extremely busy and stressful time of my life. Thanks!


	2. I've Got Your Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frieza thinks he's found a workaround that will let him get rid of Yamcha. It doesn't work.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Two: I’ve Got Your Back 

After their discussion with Goku and the rest, Yamcha and Puar headed home, dragging a very reluctant (but unable to resist) Frieza along behind him. The Z Fighters were convinced that, even with their… discomfort… at the concept of Yamcha and Frieza as a couple, this was an ideal situation, as the emperor was unable to do much of anything without Yamcha’s cooperation, including problematic actions like killing anyone, or destroying the planet! 

“I still can’t believe you’re my soulmate!” Yamcha laughed as the three entered his apartment. “I mean, you’re the ruler of the universe, and I’m just me! But I guess I should have considered this possibility, what with how you were totally flirting with me back when we were fighting Android 21 and all.” 

“Flirting with you?” Frieza glared at the human, his arms crossed and tail lashing the floor. “I think you’re imagining things.” 

“Uh, yeah you were! Remember, you called me ‘sensible and handsome?’ Who would have guessed then that your obvious interest in me would actually go anywhere?” 

“There’s a difference between making an objective observation and flirting. And with how you’ve been acting I think I’ll have to retract the ‘sensible’ part of that statement,” Frieza answered dryly.

“But you still think I’m handsome?” The human replied with a wink. Frieza just glared.

Yamcha wasn’t bothered by this, and instead gestured toward a few specific parts of his apartment. “So the kitchen is in through there, obviously you can help yourself to anything you’d like from the fridge or whatever. The main bathroom is behind that door, the doorway adjacent to it is to Puar’s room, and uh, the master bedroom is right here…” through the aforementioned room’s door Frieza noticed one double bed, and glared at his host. Yamcha looked from the bed back to Frieza and blushed. “I guess with our not being able to be more than a couple feet away from each other-“

“You’ll be sleeping on the floor,” Frieza finished the human’s sentence for him. Yamcha shrugged. 

“If that’s what you’d like then fine, for now I’ll be on the floor! Of course, inevitably when we fall in love with each other-“ 

“I don’t want to hear the sorts of depraved thoughts that are going through your head right now.” 

“No, I wasn’t gonna say anything like that! I was just thinking about, you know, cuddling and stuff. I’m warning you right now, I’m always a slut for cuddling. Do you like cuddling, Frieza?” One look at Frieza’s face answered that question quite vividly. “Okay, that’s a no on that! Ha ha. Although I’m sure we can figure out other things to do together…” Yamcha looked Frieza over again, his expression thoughtful. The alien quickly turned away and refolded his arms. 

“I feel violated. Whatever your thinking, stop.” 

“Got it! We’ll leave that conversation for another time then!” Yamcha replied cheerfully. Frieza sighed, feeling a headache coming on. 

“Listen, Yamcha. Don’t get comfortable with this situation, as it won’t be lasting long. The moment I feel I’ve figured out a way out of this I plan on taking it, and that’s if my staff doesn’t find me here first. I don’t believe for even a moment that some dragon knows a thing about me, especially in matters like this. Concepts like ‘soulmates’ are, as far as I’m concerned, complete fairytale foolishness. In fact, I’d still prefer killing you to spending even another minute in your presence!” 

The human ran his fingers through his hair a few times and took a deep breath. “Believe it or not, I get it… This isn’t exactly what I was hoping for either, even if my wish is what caused the mess we’re in! And to be completely honest, I’m really struggling to figure out how exactly to like you, much less love you… So even though I most definitely do believe in ‘fairytale’ concepts like soulmates, I’m still not fully convinced that this isn’t all some big dumb joke on the Dragon’s part at our expense!” Yamcha shook his head. “But… maybe it’s just because I’m such a hopeless romantic, or maybe it’s because I’ve seen Shenron’s power enough times to have a lot of faith in it, but either way, I’m gonna treat this as the real thing for now, just in case. And that means respecting the fact that you aren’t exactly into this, since I theoretically care about you, or at least eventually will care about you, and want you to be happy. So how about I give you some space? Not talk about us or anything really for a bit?”

Frieza smiled. “I tuned out most of that monologue, but I do like the last part about not talking. Do that.” 

“Yes sir!” Yamcha answered, and mimed a ‘zipping his lips’ motion. Frieza enjoyed the silence for a moment- but enjoyment once again became irritation as he was dragged around Yamcha’s apartment as the taller man did whatever he was doing. He also seemed to be checking a small rectangular screen- a communications device of some sort?- quite frequently. 

Eventually his boredom and irritation gave way to curiosity and he broke the silence, asking, “What is it that you keep doing with that thing?”

“Oh this? It’s my phone, this is the primary way people communicate here on Earth. Goku’s been blowing mine up with texts about how he wants to spar with you, but I keep trying to tell him that you need time to adjust to this-“

“I’ll fight him,” Frieza answered quickly, a plan forming. Yamcha was surprised. 

“Really? Okay, I’ll let him know. When should I tell him?” 

“No time like the present,” Frieza’s smile was serene and gave the human no reason to expect his true motive… If Frieza couldn’t kill Yamcha himself, perhaps he’d be able to ‘accidentally’ get Goku to do it for him!

Yamcha typed his reply, then looked down at his clothing. “I should probably get changed into my Gi or something…”

“I’ll never understand why some cultures are so obsessive over their attire.” 

“I wouldn’t normally change clothes just to watch a fight,” Yamcha answered as he headed into the bedroom and toward his closet, “but since I’m gonna be forced to be more or less a couple feet from a battle between two of the strongest guys in the universe I’d rather not be wearing something that isn’t designed for combat, ya know?” With that, he turned to his racks of clothing, quickly located what he needed, and started to get changed. Once his shirt and pants were off, he turned around to toss them in the general direction of his hamper, but found himself face to face with Frieza, who was looking him over critically. “Uh, I guess modesty isn’t a concept you’re overly familiar with?” Yamcha asked, laughing awkwardly. 

Frieza sighed and turned around, allowing Yamcha to quickly get finished dressing. As they headed out, Frieza commented, “I’d forgotten how relatively muscular you are, by human standards at least.” 

Yamcha hoped he wasn’t blushing- it’s not like compliments to his physique were by any means uncommon, he knew he was in damn good shape, but from his theoretical soulmate? “I don’t fight much anymore, but my job keeps me fit. It might not seem like much to brag about to someone of your level, but even now I’m one of the strongest humans alive!” 

“And yet,” Frieza smirked, “your so-called friends would rather go through the trouble of bringing me temporarily back to life than ask you to fight in the Tournament of Power?” 

Several months had passed but that wound was still raw. “Uh, I was busy so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” he lied, then fished for anything that would change the subject and save his damaged ego. “But even you noticed, I’m pretty buff! Who knows, maybe that’s why you’ll inevitably end up in love with me.” 

“I doubt it. If anything, it’s off-putting that you’ve apparently reached your physical peak yet are still so abysmally weak,” Frieza answered, enjoying Yamcha’s anguished expression. 

“A-anyway, let’s not keep Goku waiting!” They found Puar and the three few off. 

\- - - 

“This is so exciting!” Goku exclaimed as he stretched in a field not far from his home. “Now that you can’t be a bad guy anymore we can fight all the time, Frieza!” 

“I’d like nothing less,” the emperor answered dismissively. “The idea of having to see your face on a regular basis is possibly the only worse part of this situation than having to listen to him,” he attempted to smack Yamcha on the arm to make his point, but as always the secondary effects of his wish prevented the blow from actually landing. He growled slightly in annoyance, then continued, “Just as I was telling Yamcha, don’t get used to my presence on Earth. I am very much still a threat, and expect to be free of this absurd situation quite soon.” 

“I dunno, if Shenron says you two are soulmates then doesn’t that mean you’re gonna fall in love and get married and all that like Chichi and I did?” 

Frieza’s hands clenched into fists and he was very glad he’d momentarily have an excuse to punch this idiot Saiyan. “I have an idea. Less talking, more fighting. Your considerably better at the latter than the former after all.” 

“That’s a great idea!” Goku answered, not seeming to pick up that it was an insult. 

“Be careful Lord Yamcha!” Puar shouted from the sidelines. The human in question was standing nervously a foot or two behind Frieza. 

“Hey, uh, here’s an idea, how about you two stay in your base forms for this fight? No Golden or Blue?” He asked, “For safety’s sake?” 

“Fair enough, I’ll agree to that,” Frieza figured that even without his power ups a well placed hit to Yamcha from Goku would be enough to get rid of the man. With that in mind Frieza threw his first punch- or at least tried to, but it fell short. “Yamcha, would you mind taking a few steps closer to my opponent?” He asked through clenched teeth. 

“Right, sorry about that!” 

Goku just shrugged. “Wanna try that again now?” 

“With pleasure,” Frieza once again attempted to punch the Saiyan. Goku dodged, but his opponent was relentless and attempted a follow up- but once again found the other was just out of range. Yamcha quickly moved forward toward Frieza, but this still provided enough of a distraction for Goku to hit the emperor with a low kick, knocking him to the ground. 

“Geez, this isn’t any fun when you can barely move,” Goku complained, but then his face lit up. “I know! Yamcha, can you get on Frieza’s back? If he’s carrying you like that then his movement shouldn’t be restricted, and he’ll still have his arms and legs free for fighting!” 

As much as he disliked the idea, Frieza nodded an affirmative- being able to control Yamcha’s location would make it easier to arrange an ‘accidental’ death for him, after all. So he’d deal with it for the sake of his own good. “We can give that a try I suppose.” 

A few moments later Yamcha was awkwardly on his so called soulmate, his arms around his neck and legs around his waist. “This is just uncomfortable,” he muttered. 

Goku took one look and started laughing. “Oh my gosh, you two look so lame! I forget sometimes just how tiny you are, Frieza!” Indeed, their positioning just emphasized the height difference between the two, and did make them look rather silly. 

Frieza looked forward to hopefully only having to spend a few minutes more in his current highly annoying situation. With that in mind he tuned out Goku’s laughter. “Shall we perhaps finally get started?”

“Right!” Goku straightened up, looked at Frieza and Yamcha again, smothered another laughing fit, and finally the battle began yet again. Frieza quickly realized that, while the extra weight of carrying Yamcha was nothing to him, his positioning did somewhat restrict his arms. It was a decent trade off to finally be able to move the rest of his body as he pleased though! It wasn’t long until he thought he saw his opportunity- Goku kicked and Frieza quickly turned around, intending to let Yamcha take the blow. When he instead deflected it with his tail the emperor chalked it up to his own well trained reflexes and looked for another opening. Not long after that the Saiyan struck from the side, and it should have been an easy matter for Frieza to lean forward slightly so that Yamcha’d end up on the receiving end of it, but instead he found himself lifting his arm and blocking it.

That. Damned. Dragon. 

Every time Yamcha was even slightly threatened Frieza found himself protecting him, a fact that made him increasingly angry. The distraction of that anger wasn’t exactly helping in the fight either- Goku seemed to have the upper hand. 

“Hey Frieza,” Yamcha whispered, “I have an idea…”

“I don’t care.” 

“Yeah you do. It’s a good one, I swear!” 

“I doubt it. But I suppose I have no choice but to hear it anyway.” 

Yamcha paused for a moment while Frieza dodged a wave of Ki, then quietly continued, “remember when we were trying to figure out what was going on with us and you threw me?” 

“I think I see where you’re going with this-“ Frieza reached over his shoulder and grabbed the sleeve of Yamcha’s Gi, flinging him toward Goku. 

The Saiyan reflexively dodged, then looked over his shoulder. “You okay Yamcha-“ the rest of his question was cut off as Frieza kicked Goku in the head, his regular strength further augmented by the mysterious force that yanked him back toward his ‘soulmate.’ Goku fell down and Frieza landed on top of him- as he got back up he noticed Yamcha had ended up at the bottom of the pile, and with a sigh he kicked Goku off of the human. 

“It worked!” Yamcha grinned as he slowly returned to his feet, rubbing his shoulder. “I’ll just next time have to remember to move myself at the last second, ha ha…” 

Several feet away Goku sat up. “That was some kick!” 

“Would you expect any less from me?” Frieza asked with a smirk. “Anyway, are we continuing or was that too much for you?” 

Goku shook his head. “Nah, that was pretty much perfect- I’ve worked up an appetite for dinner now! You two are welcome to join me-“ 

“I’d rather be back in Hell than willingly sit through a meal with you.”

“Are you sure, Frieza? Chichi is a really good cook,” Yamcha added hopefully. Frieza just let an over dramatic sigh, grabbed Yamcha’s sleeve again, and threw him in the direction of his apartment, allowing himself to be dragged after him. 

\- - - 

Back home, Yamcha was getting ready for bed- which meant Frieza was too, for lack of any other alternatives. Puar had already gone to sleep, and Yamcha was trying to be a good host to his theoretical soulmate. “What do you need? I’m guessing you don’t wear pajamas or anything?” 

“I don’t know what that word means, and it already annoys me.” 

“You know, pajamas. Night clothes? Like, an outifit to sleep in?” 

“Humans and their clothing,” Frieza muttered sarcastically. “Is there anything you don’t have a specific outfit for?”

“Well I mean, there are some things we do naked obviously!” Yamcha was blushing again. “Like showering, or, you know… sex.” 

“Why do I get the feeling your mind is back in the gutter again?”

“You can’t blame me for wondering about it! After all, if we are soulmates it seems like it’s inevitable that we’ll eventually-“

Frieza attempted to smack Yamcha with his tail, but as usual the motion was stopped prematurely. He then, very carefully and deliberately not using more than a tiny fraction of his strength, tried it again, and this time it successfully connected and knocked the human over. “That was immensely satisfying,” Frieza laughed, then glared down at Yamcha. “Don’t mistake the fact that I will acknowledge your attractiveness for any actual interest in you, romantically or sexually. And besides, if for whatever convoluted reason we ever did end up physically involved, I assure you, you couldn’t keep up with me.” 

Yamcha sat up and winked, “There you go again, admitting you’re attracted to me!” 

“ARGH.” Frieza attempted to kick the satisfied grin off of the other man’s face, and when that didn’t work he tried to leave the room- that didn’t work either. So he sat down on the edge of the bathtub and just glared at the wall while Yamcha finished brushing his teeth and doing whatever else he needed to before going to sleep. 

Once they were done and back in the bedroom, Yamcha laid down on the floor with a blanket and spare pillow, and Frieza tried to get in bed, but quickly learned that the bed’s height took up most of the minimal distance that was allowed between them. As such, he had to stay on the very edge of it. Annoying, but workable, he supposed. 

On the floor, Yamcha tried to get comfortable, and rolled onto his side away from the bed- this put him just out of range, and yanked Frieza down on him. “Sorry!”

The emperor ignored him and stood up, stepping on Yamcha’s face as he got back in bed. The second time it happened the human had been asleep when he rolled over- the results were painful. 

“If you can’t hold still then get in the damned bed, but if you so much as breathe on me I will find a way to snap your neck!” 

Yamcha climbed in, then, laying on his side, smiled at Frieza. “Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for earlier.” 

“I can’t possibly imagine what I’ve done to earn any gratitude from you.” 

“Well, there were a lot of points during that fight when Goku nearly hit me- and you defended me every time! I guess you must care about me a little after all.” 

Frieza shook his head. “It’s not like that! I literally couldn’t help it-“ 

“Aww, thanks Frieza. For what it’s worth, I can’t help myself from doing what little I can for you, either.” 

Irritated, Frieza grabbed his pillow and held it over his face. 

End Chapter Two: I’ve Got Your Back

Author’s Note: “I’m always a slut for cuddling” was placeholder dialog that I intended to replace but it made me laugh every time I reread it and this is a humor fic soooooo… Also I realized there’s a ton of typos in the first chapter of this and probably just as many in this chapter. Once I have a life again I’ll do some edits. Thanks for putting up with me, and know that my readers make me cry happy tears and my commenters make me have a breakdown of pure joy.   
Finally, here’s a plug for my previous fic, Little Lies, a slightly better wrote, more coherent Yamza humor fic, If you like this you’ll like that.


	3. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out Frieza has a surprisingly wholesome hobby. Yamcha thinks it's precious.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Three: Good Morning

Frieza woke up early, and for a moment thought the whole awkward situation had been a very odd nightmare. Of course, the moment he opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a sleeping Yamcha he had to stifle a groan. 

He sat up but, not yet wanting to have to deal with his supposed soul mate, made no effort to get out of bed. Instead, he studied him for a moment. Yamcha certainly was good looking. Those scars saved a face that would have otherwise been so textbook handsome that it would have been boring- yes, they added something, made him worth notice. His hair was, well, lovely, and of course his fit body looked good as well. What a disappointment that his human genetics would never allow him to be anything special in terms of strength or ability… As he was, he was a pretty shell that contained nothing of real substance. And yet here Frieza was, forced to be near him. Ugh. 

He noticed that communications device from the prior day- wasn’t it called a phone or something like that?- sitting on the nightstand adjacent to the bed, and out of mild curiosity he picked it up. There was no passcode of any sort on it, and it only took a moment for the Emperor to figure out how it worked. It seemed like a primitive version of some of the technology that he used, actually… 

There were some games and other uninteresting things, so Frieza opened the photo album and took a look at that instead. The first picture was- 

Frieza attempted to throw the phone at Yamcha’s head but the wishes’ power stopped him from this apparently lethal motion, so instead he shouted, “Wake up and explain yourself!” 

Being screamed awake startled the human into falling out of the bed, pulling Frieza along down on top of him. The emperor took advantage of their accidental positioning and pinned Yamcha to the floor, shoving the phone in his face. “This. Explain it and then get rid of it.” 

Yamcha, still waking up, rubbed his eyes. “Good morning to you, too,” he muttered, then took a look at the screen that was inches from his face, and laughed. “Oh, that. Sorry, you just looked kinda adorable sleeping, what with the drooling and all-“

“ADORABLE?! …you disgust me. Delete it. Now!” 

“Right, right,” Yamcha grabbed the phone and did as he was told. 

He wasn’t about to mention that he’d already sent the photo to a couple of his friends… 

\- - - 

The morning necessitated a bit of experimentation- Yamcha insisted Frieza be out of the room while he took a shower (“I’m not quite ready for our relationship to be at that level. Not yet anyway.” “What do you think you mean by ‘our relationship’ or ‘yet’?!”), but due to their forced closeness, he had to settle for just keeping the shower curtain between them. The same was reversed while Frieza took a shower and Yamcha blowdried his hair- a task that took an infuriatingly long time as far as the alien was concerned. There was also the matter of breakfast- Frieza went through nearly every item in Yamcha’s kitchen with varying degrees of disgust before finally, with an over exaggerated sigh to make sure his distaste with this was obvious, requested Yamcha cook for him. 

“You won’t regret this,” the taller man replied, adding more of whatever the heck he was cooking for himself to the pan. “I’m actually a fantastic chef, everyone says so!”

“It’s true!” Puar chimed in. 

“Maybe my cooking skills are the reason you’ll fall in love with me?” 

“I haven’t even started eating and I’m already sick to my stomach.” 

Yamcha added something else to whatever he was making and shrugged. “You know, you don’t have to be constantly verbally attacking me. You’re evil, I get it. We all get it. But no matter what you think of the whole soulmates thing we ARE stuck together for the moment, so being an ass doesn’t really do anything. You can relax a bit if you want. I won’t tell anyone!” Frieza rolled his eyes, but Yamcha was undeterred. “Anyway, I don’t have any commitments or obligations until tomorrow, so today you and I are gonna have a chat. You’re supposedly someone who will eventually mean everything to me, and yet I know next to nothing about you other than that you’re like, really evil and scary strong.” 

“That’s all you need to know… Other than perhaps the fact that I’m also quite cruel.” 

Dividing the food between three plates and carrying them to the table, Yamcha sat next to the shorter man. “Consider this though, you tell me more about yourself and maybe I can find some things for you to do other than just follow me around being sarcastic. So, what are your hobbies?” 

“Conquest and torture,” Frieza answered with a smirk. 

“Oh come on, can’t you work with me here a little? After a long and exhausting day of being an evil douchebag how do you wind down?” 

“I suppose the kind of answer you’re looking for would be that I enjoy reading and drinking the sorts of wine you likely couldn’t afford.” 

“Is that true? You like reading?” Yamcha asked. 

“Assuming it’s decent literature,” Frieza narrowed his eyes. “And what, may I ask, is the reason for that look you’re giving me right now?” 

“I’m so sorry, it’s just, picturing you reading- that’s so normal and unexpected that it’s super cute!” Yamcha answered, staring at Frieza. “First you drool in your sleep, then you admit to having a totally wholesome hobby, and of course you’re so tiny- I think I'm beginning to see why I’m gonna eventually end up loving you, Frieza. Whenever you drop your scary asshole act you’re downright precious!” 

“If you think it’s just an act then you’re even more foolish than you look. Now, I’m tired of your voice, particularly when it continues to insist we’ll fall in love or any similar such rubbish, so I’d advise you to quit speaking.” 

“And you’re back in scary asshole mode, got it,” Yamcha laughed. Frieza reached out with his tail and, with a slight tap, broke one of the legs of the human’s chair, sending him tumbling backwards. Smiling to himself he ignored Puar’s panicking and Yamcha’s flailing about and finally took a bite of his breakfast- It almost made him regret his action a moment prior, as whatever this was it was shockingly delicious. The emperor couldn’t help but wonder if all Earth food was this good, or if Yamcha actually was an exceptional chef. Either way, he wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he was enjoying it!

End Chapter Three: Good Morning

Author’s Note: Short chapter. Next one should be fun though, and is partially complete and maybe even gonna be up tomorrow. We’ll see. Frieza being into reading is an ancient head canon of mine based purely on the fact that he quotes Shakespeare in the dub of DBZ. I believe he did it in FighterZ as well but am too lazy to double check. As always, if you read this I wanna bring you a fluffy puppy to pet, and if you comment, I wanna place you in the center of a room full of the fluffiest, happiest puppies imaginable.


	4. A Little Respect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha loses his job and does something unethical. Frieza is just a tiny bit impressed.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Four: A Little Respect

“What is this primitive device?” Frieza glared at the flat, rectangular screen Yamcha was trying to hand him. 

“It’s a tablet. This one is a little older so I don’t use it for anything anymore myself, but it still works for reading ebooks, so I thought you might want it!”

After a moment’s mental argument between the positives of having something to do and the negatives of actually accepting a gift from Yamcha- and thus possibly encouraging him- Frieza decided the benefits outweighed the drawbacks, and held out his hand. “I suppose I’ll take it, then.”

Yamcha looked over the emperor’s shoulder, giving him a quick tutorial of where the necessary app was located. Frieza sighed. “Not much of a reader, are you? There’s only one title available. Why am I not surprised?” 

“Yeah, I’m more of a hands on guy, I’d rather do things than read about them,” he laughed. “I forgot that I even bought one book, let’s see what it was-“ he glanced back at the screen, then recoiled. “Oh my god, don’t read that, it’s garbage!” 

“Twilight by Stephanie Meyer,” Frieza read out loud, then glared critically at the human. “If it’s so bad then why did you buy it?” 

“Bulma told me there were werewolves in it,” Yamcha pouted. “I sat through that entire awful book waiting for werewolves, but she played me, apparently they don’t show up until the sequel. I couldn’t make myself sit through another whole book of this crap though, werewolves or not.”

“I’m unfamiliar with ‘werewolves.’”

“They’re humans that turn into wolves on the night of the full moon-“

“Like Saiyans?”

“Yeah, exactly! Except much cooler, because they’re wolves instead of apes!” 

“And to think that dragon believed someone who thought anything even remotely similar to a Saiyan could be cool was my soulmate. It’s laughable.” 

Yamcha cheerfully ignored Frieza’s prior statement. “Anyway, I left my account logged in, so you can buy whatever books you want and it will charge them to my credit card.” 

“I certainly hope books aren’t expensive, because I read very quickly, and I doubt you’re a man of means.” 

While he knew it had been intended as an insult, Yamcha wasn’t bothered. “Actually, you’d be surprised on that- I’m wealthier than you’d think!”

“We must have very different definitions of wealth, my dear Yamcha. For example, I consider myself quite wealthy- which is why I don’t normally live in a dump like this.” He gestured to the apartment they were currently sitting in. 

Yamcha blinked. “Frieza, did you just use an endearment to refer to me?” 

“Stop finding meanings where they aren’t, human. It’s simply polite wording, befitting a man of my level of class.”

“Anyway, I guess this is as good of a time as any to let you know- I’m something of a celebrity!” Yamcha stood up and casually leaned against the wall, looking quite pleased with himself. “I’m a professional athlete, you see, in fact I’m a bit of a legend in my particular sport! And that means I command a pretty decent salary!” 

“And what, pray tell, are you doing with that supposed money? It’s obviously not going toward your housing.” 

“I’m living here on a purely temporary basis- about a year ago I moved in to this little place so that I could save up some cash for something important! I’m having a mansion built to suit my exact tastes- they broke ground on the construction several months ago, actually! Pretty much all my savings are tied up in this, but it’s cool because a new baseball season will be starting soon, and I’ll be getting a fat paycheck again.” 

“A mansion, hmm? Perhaps you do have some semblance of taste, after all. I’m sure I’ll be out of this situation long before the construction is completed, however.” 

“Don’t say that,” Yamcha laughed, “I’m building this place for you after all- or well, I didn’t know it was for you when I started it of course, but I wanted a big place for my eventual family with my soulmate-“ he paused there and once again gave Frieza’s body a strange look. “Um, how does reproduction work for your race anyway-“

“STOP THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH ME.”

\- - - 

Yamcha sat on the couch, lost in thought. Frieza was sitting next to him, ignoring the human in favor of whatever he was reading. Today Yamcha needed to meet with the owner, manager, and legal team of the Taitans to extend his contract. The problem, of course, was his soulmate… the emperor would have to accompany him to the meeting, and that meant a conversation that, while he and Puar had been preparing for, he still worried would end poorly… 

“Hey Frieza,” Yamcha began, but he was completely ignored. “Frieza?” After a few more seconds of this, he reached over and waved his hand in front of the shorter man’s face. “Frieeeeeeza….” 

That finally got his attention, and he lightly smacked the offending hand out of his field of vision. “This had better be important.” 

“It is, actually! Remember I told you about my job? I need to go to a meeting for that today, which means you’ll need to come with me.” 

“And if I don’t feel like it?”

“You know as well as I do that you don’t really have a choice here,” Yamcha shrugged, “Anyway, the thing is, if you’re gonna be out in public on Earth, you’re going to need to wear clothes.” 

“Why does everything on this pathetic hellhole of a planet revolve around clothing?” Frieza asked. 

“That’s just how our culture works!” Yamcha answered. “Going outside without clothing on can attract a lot of… trouble, particularly someone like you, with a body like that.” 

“A body like that? What exactly are you implying is wrong with my body?”

“No, I didn’t mean it as a bad thing! I meant it’s a nice body. An attention getting body. That’s all.” 

Frieza crossed his arms and leaned back on the couch, looking at the ceiling absently. “I suppose you do have a point, I’m spectacularly well built in comparison to the weak, unrefined slobs of this backward planet. While I normally wouldn’t mind the attention, I don’t want to invite trouble while we’re in this situation that makes combat difficult… I’ll allow you to dress me, then.”

Yamcha was relieved, this was far less resistance than he’d expected! “Thank you, Frieza!” At that moment the door opened, and Puar floated in, carrying two shopping bags. “Perfect timing, buddy!” 

The tiny being brought the bags to the couch. “I bought several outfits since I don’t know what Frieza’s style is. It was hard to find pants that looked like they would fit him, so I tried them all on myself to be sure!” 

The emperor glared at the various garments. “I hope you know what you’re talking about, rodent. I may not be as tall as Yamcha but I’m certainly no where near as little as you are!” 

“Oh, that’s right, you don’t know about what Puar can do!” Yamcha nodded to Puar, who demonstrated his shape shifting abilities by transforming into an adequate copy of Frieza. 

“Interesting. Now don’t ever do that again, I don’t need a rodent tarnishing my reputation!” 

\- - - 

Several hours later, the ‘soulmates’ were headed to Yamcha’s meeting. He was dressed up in a suit and had slicked back and ponytailed his hair, and would have looked downright respectable if it weren’t for the scars. “That’s a good look for you. Much nicer than that cheap white shirt you were wearing earlier,” Frieza commented as they rode an elevator up to the top floor of his team’s headquarters. 

“You know, Bulma always said the same thing, that I looked pretty hot in formal wear.” 

“Do not put words in my mouth, human. There’s a difference between appreciating a more upscale style and acknowledging your sex appeal.” 

“But I do have sex appeal, is that what you’re saying?” 

“You should shut up, that’s what I’m saying.” 

After trying on every outfit Puar had bought for him and finding a reason to complain with all of them Frieza had eventually settled on wearing a pair of dress pants (modified slightly to accommodate his tail) and a nicely cut dress shirt and tie. The two well dressed men made a rather nice picture together, Yamcha thought… The more time they spent together, the more he could feel an attraction to Frieza’s looks, even if his personality was still proving to be a challenge. But that unique, powerful, frightening beauty? He didn’t mind the idea of potentially spending the rest of his life looking at that- and hopefully eventually being able to do more than look… For the thousandth time in the last two days he wondered what it would be like to get intimate with the alien-

“You’re thinking about it again, aren’t you? Stop.” 

Yamcha’s laugh was guilty. “How’d you know?” 

“With as completely transparent as you are it’s always obvious. And disgusting.” 

“Well, considering we’re nearly there I guess I gotta stop thinking about anything along those lines anyway.” They exited the elevator and headed down the hall to a large door, currently propped open, and stepped inside. Several other nicely dressed people were present, and one stepped forward. 

“Welcome, Yamcha! We’re looking forward to another season of you winning our games for us! And I don’t believe I’ve met your companion, who is this with you?”

Yamcha smiled at Frieza. “This is my soulm-“

“Let’s just say I’m his lawyer,” the emperor cut him off. 

\- - - 

“Well, that didn’t exactly go as I’d hoped,” Yamcha sighed, “But I guess I should have figured there was no way I could play in our current situation…” 

“Consider it a blessing that they wouldn’t accommodate your requirement for me being within a few feet of you at all times during the games,” Frieza said, “that contract was garbage.”

“Was it really? I’ve never had a third party look over my contracts before, I just kinda trusted that they were okay. I mean, I was always paid enough money so why worry about it?” 

“If you’d bothered to get a proper lawyer sooner you would have been paid quite a lot more.” 

“The more pressing issue is that I’d been kinda counting on getting a bonus today at the re-signing. And with the rest of my cash tied up in getting our home built… I’m broke.” 

“That sounds like your problem, not mine,” Frieza said, turning away from Yamcha. “You’ll have to figure it out, because our situation is already unlivable enough without adding poverty on top of it!” 

“I guess I have no choice… You’re going to judge me for this, but please try and understand that it’s a matter of desperation!” 

“So you have a plan, then?” 

“Yep. But we need to go home and get changed first. We’re way overdressed for what I have in mind.” 

“So once again, everything on this ridiculous planet revolves around wearing the right clothes. Such foolishness…” 

\- - - 

The duo had returned home, made the necessary preparations, and were now standing at a side entrance of a large shopping mall. Yamcha had swapped out his suit for a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap, and had directed Frieza to wear jeans as well along with one of Yamcha’s own pull over hoodies. “The reason we had to change clothes was to better blend in and avoid drawing any attention,” he explained, “as well as to be a bit less recognizable.” To make the point, he pulled down the brim of his hat a bit. 

“Whatever we’re doing, I truly doubt it requires me to wear this uncomfortable and unflattering floppy thing,” Frieza muttered, attempting to smooth down the loose fabric of the hoodie. 

“What do you mean? That looks great on you! What man doesn’t like seeing his dearest in his own clothing?” Yamcha gushed, “And wearing loose clothes just emphasizes how tiny and cute you are!” 

Frieza grabbed the collar of Yamcha’s shirt. “Call me cute even one more time and I will kill you.” 

“Except you can’t,” the taller man said with a wink, so Frieza instead settled for tripping him with his tail. 

“So here’s the plan,” Yamcha explained as he stood back up and tried to pretend his dignity hadn’t just been violated, “once we get inside don’t interact with me, just follow behind as far as our current situation allows-“

“I like this plan already. Not interacting sounds just delightful.” 

“I might every now and then lag a few steps closer to you, just keep moving as though you’re headed in the same direction, don’t change your pace okay? And if anyone says anything to me, pretend we aren’t together and you’re just watching out of interest in drama or whatever.”

Frieza crossed his arms, cringing as he felt the excessive fabric folding around him. He’d have to make it clear that he’d only be wearing properly fitted clothes henceforth! “As you say, I’ll cooperate. I’m not sure how you think this stroll will help our situation, but I suppose I’ll just have to trust you for the moment.” 

“Aww, you trust me?”

“You’re insufferable.” 

With that they headed in, Frieza lagging back as instructed. The mall was relatively crowded with smelly, loud, obnoxious Earthlings. Music blared out of every store, and the decor was tacky with advertisements and signage covering nearly every shop window. The emperor wasn’t sure why anyone would willingly be in such a place, but for lack of any other possibility he did as Yamcha had requested. The human didn’t seem to be doing much of anything, just walking… Frieza did laugh quietly to himself when, on several occasions, his human had apparently been so preoccupied as to run into other randoms, but a quick apology seemed to be all they needed and the walk through the mall continued. 

Back outside after, Frieza glared at Yamcha. “And what, pray tell, was the point of that waste of time?” 

The taller man laughed. “Let’s fly home and then I’ll show you.” 

Back at their apartment, Yamcha greeted Puar with a high five. “I might be a little rusty but I still think it went well!” 

“You were always the best at this, Lord Yamcha!” 

“When you’re done with the pointless self congratulating, perhaps you’ll finally fill me in on the objective of that exercise?” 

Instead of answering, Yamcha asked a question of his own with poorly acted and heavily exaggerated uncertainty. “Hey soulmate, what’s that in the pocket on the front of your shirt?” 

Frieza glared. “I don’t have anything in-“ The human grinned at the surprised expression on the emperor’s face when he glanced down and noticed there was indeed a slight bulge in this pocket of his hoodie. “What is this?!” He emptied it on the table- three capsule cases and quite a few folded paper Zeni in various denominations. “Explain. Now.” 

Yamcha sat at the table and began sorting the cash as he spoke. “So uh, I warned you you’d judge me for this, but… I wasn’t always a hero. When I was younger, I got by as a bandit, and while Goku and the rest don’t know this, I occasionally put those skills back into use, you know, just so I don’t lose them…” 

“I see… So all this… You’re a pick pocket.”

“Amongst other things, yeah!” Yamcha laughed. “I used to resort to straight up intimidation a lot more, but now that I’m a minor celebrity of sorts I can’t risk that often… That’s part of why I needed your help, just in case anyone caught on. If I offloaded everything to you then I could show them my empty pockets and not tarnish the shining reputation of Yamcha the baseball star! But today was a success, no one noticed and once I sell some of this we’ll be set for months!” 

Normally, Frieza would consider a pick pocket to be the most pathetic and unskilled sort of thief, but… Yamcha had not only managed to steal from multiple other humans undetected, but he had, far more impressively, somehow managed to get his spoils onto Frieza’s person unnoticed? Even out of combat, the emperor’s guard was always up. There was no way his so called soulmate could have moved fast enough for him to not see him, yet somehow he had escaped his notice long enough to fill his pocket…

A tiny part of him was, perhaps, just a little bit impressed. And besides that… “Goodness, Yamcha, you put your own needs ahead of that of randomly selected strangers? You were right to say I’d judge you for this… and I’m judging you rather positively. There’s a slight chance you aren’t as big of an idiot as I had originally taken you to be.”

It had been a very long time since Yamcha’s occasional ethical lapses had earned him praise from anyone other than Puar. It felt… good… hearing that from the person he assumed he’d eventually be in love with. But then another thought occurred to him, and he sighed, covering his face with his hands. “Wait a minute, does this mean I’m gonna go bad for you rather than you going good for me? Damn it, that’s way less cool…”

“Never mind, you’re an idiot after all.” 

End Chapter Four: A Little Respect

Author’s Note: It bothered me how Yamcha’s place in Super looked so meh, so I made up a reason he lived in such a crummy place to make myself feel better about things because I want that dorky boy to be happy. If Twilight was your favorite book then I apologize for making fun of it, but the idea of him sitting through that longass book desperately waiting for werewolves to show up and be cool was hilarious to me so yeah. Not much else to say other than to beg for reviews because feedback makes me bring my phone to my cat and say “Look! Someone read that silly self indulgent thing I wrote for my trash ship that I can’t get over, isn’t that awesome?” And my cat looks at the screen for a moment then looks back up at me and is like “Stop with the Yamza and start giving me food.” But anyway! Thanks for reading!


	5. I'm Possessive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha spends some time with a friend. Frieza gets... annoyed.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Five: I’m Possessive 

An unintended perk of Yamcha’s recent return to occasional theft? Frieza now occasionally actually started conversations with his human soulmate. They weren’t exactly the sort that Yamcha would prefer, but it was still progress of a sort? 

“I do wonder,” Frieza said, smirking at the other man, “when that friend of yours comes over today, if I just so happened to mention how you’ve been lining your pockets lately, how he would take it?”

“He wouldn’t believe you,” Yamcha answered. “Tien trusts me. And he kinda sorta completely hates your guts.” 

“I hadn’t reason to care who your visitor was prior to this, but that name… it’s familiar, is he one of the ones I’ve killed at some point?”

“Come on, Frieza, is it really so hard to learn my friends’ names? You’ve met Tien several times in the past year or so- he fought when you came to Earth the second time, and against Android 21, and was in the Tournament of Power!” The emperor just gave him a blank look, so Yamcha sighed and continued, “The tall, quiet, buff guy with three eyes?” 

“Oh. Him.” 

“Anyway, behave yourself while he’s here or else I’m not buying you anything but boxed wine.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I would and you know it.” 

“…fine then.” Frieza grabbed his tablet and sat down on a desk chair, taking a moment to arrange his tail. At that moment the doorbell rang, and Yamcha jumped up, quickly combed his fingers through his hair and straightened his clothes, then ran over to answer it, Frieza and his chair rolling along after him. The emperor considered just ignoring Tien, but oh well… He saw himself as better than that, so he’d give him at least the basic pleasantries. As Yamcha opened the door and greeted his old friend with a casual one armed hug, Frieza stood. “Well, Tien, good to see you’re still alive somehow.”

Tien shot him a glare. “Frieza. You may have been our ally in the tournament, but I haven’t forgotten what kind of person you really are. I wouldn’t be spending time anywhere near you if it wasn’t for your current situation with Yamcha.” 

“My goodness, so unkind to me when I did far more to save our universe than you did. What a rude man,” Frieza smirked as he sat back down. 

“Um, can we all try and play nice? Or at least you two can try to not argue for a few minutes, you can still imagine you’re punching each other in the face of whatever.” 

“Very well, speaking with him bores me anyway,” Frieza sat back down and allowed the chair to roll along after the others as they headed into the living room. 

“I feel like I won’t be able to really relax or speak freely with him so nearby,” Tien said, eyeing the emperor, “I’m not sure how you deal with it on a daily basis.” 

“He can be a little difficult sometimes, but since he’s apparently my soulmate I have a lot of patience for it,” Yamcha laughed, “The fact that he can’t kill me helps of course! And I’ve learned a few of his quirks- like, right now, he’s reading, so we can talk about whatever we want and he won’t notice- his concentration when he’s doing that is nearly unbreakable!” 

“Is that true?” Tien asked.

To the two Earthlings this indeed appeared to be the case, as Frieza relaxed in his chair, eyes fixed on the tablet screen. _“Yamcha you idiot,”_ he thought to himself, _“I only pretend this is the case to get you to stop bothering me from time to time.”_ In reality, Frieza wasn’t about to let these two plot against him… so he continued to pretend to read as he listened in on their conversation. 

“To think someone like him is your soulmate, I’d never have guessed you’d wind up with not only a villain, but also a man…” 

“It was a huge surprise to me as well! I had thought my soulmate might be someone I knew, but I would never have guessed it would be someone we’d fought so many times.” Yamcha leaned back on the couch, “As for the second part of that, well, I was surprised that my special someone was a man, but I’d certainly known that it was a possibility. As much as I love the ladies, there have been a few guys that have made me rethink my heterosexuality. You could say I’ve always been a bit heteroflexible, ha ha!” 

“I wonder… if things would have been different if you’d been more open about that.” 

Yamcha leaned toward Tien and tilted his head to the side. “Different? What do you mean?” 

Frieza watched out of the corner of his eye as Tien stared at the floor. “It’s nothing, I’m just thinking out loud.” 

As the Earthlings continued their conversation, their third wheel smiled to himself as he flipped through the pages of the ebook he was pretending to read. _“Yamcha is so clueless. It’s obvious that this Tien is interested in him, and he has no idea! Poor fellow,”_ Frieza thought, _“Yamcha’s far too obsessed with me to ever consider returning the attention of anyone else…”_

He’d been so certain in this assessment that he didn’t think much of it when Yamcha lightly touched Tien’s hand a few times during their chat. He also just assumed it was his soulmate being oblivious as usual when the other two somehow ended up sitting close enough on the couch that their thighs occasionally brushed past each other. Over time he started to get irritated, though… Tien clearly had no sense of shame, it was just disgusting the way he kept holding eye contact with Yamcha, and that affectionate tone of voice that kept creeping out, ugh! Just repulsive… 

Maybe he’d do them all a favor and just remove Tien from the picture permanently… After all, if Frieza was forced to be around Yamcha, and this Tien couldn’t stop himself from his constant flirtatious actions around the human, well, it made Frieza look bad by extension, didn’t it? He stood up and was ready to punch his freakish three eyed head clean off his shoulders- and was interrupted when Yamcha dashed to the kitchen to grab some snacks, dragging Frieza behind him. 

“Whoops, sorry for pulling you along without warning like that, I was so caught up in my conversation with Tien that I forgot you were here for a second,” Yamcha said as he looked through the cupboards. “Wow, I guess Puar must have ate the rest of the cookies, huh? I could have sworn we still had at least a few…” 

“I’m surprised you were so engrossed, he seems like a rather boring person,” Frieza said. Yamcha gave him a look. 

“Wow Frieza, that sounded so pissy, even by your standards. Bad mood today or something?” 

The emperor didn’t respond, so Yamcha shrugged and they headed back into the living room. Not long after, however, Tien stood up. “I think it’s time I get going, unfortunately. I told Chiaotzu I’d be home around this time and I don’t want to make him worry.” 

“Really?” Yamcha was clearly disappointed, but followed Tien toward the door. “Don’t wait so long before your next visit, okay?” 

“I’d come by a lot more often if it wasn’t for him,” he answered, glaring at Frieza, who didn’t respond other than to extend his tail just slightly in front of their visitor-

“My my, how clumsy of me, leaving my tail right in front of you like that,” he said, unable to stop himself from grinning as Tien pulled himself from the floor. 

After saying their goodbyes, Tien left. Frieza sighed. “I’m glad that’s over with. I’m not sure why you’d actually want to spend time with such an unpleasant person.” 

Yamcha was still standing at the door, watching Tien’s back as he left. “What was that, Frieza? Sorry, I guess I was distracted.” 

“I was just commenting on what a tiresome person that Tien is, that’s all.” 

“Tiresome? Nah, he’s the best! You know… I think if someone had told me before we got together that my soulmate was another guy I probably would have thought it was Tien…” 

“That would be a terrible fate, being stuck with someone like him.” 

“Why do you have such an issue with him, anyway?” Yamcha asked- but he slowly started to smile and elbowed Frieza a couple times. “Heeeeey, I get it. You’re jealous, aren’t you?” 

“Don’t be an idiot! Of course I’m not! I can hardly stand your presence, why would I be jealous?!” Frieza replied just a little too quickly. 

“It’s okay, soulmate, you don’t need to worry, I’m not planning on cheating-“

“It wouldn’t be cheating because you and I aren’t together for any reason other than that stupid wish you made! I’m only at all bothered by this because the idea of anyone finding some weak Earthling more appealing than myself is just ridiculous!” 

“Yep. You’re totally jealous,” Yamcha shrugged. “I guess you got used to getting all of my attention and just can’t stand the thought of sharing me-“ 

“SHUT. UP. NOW.” 

End Chapter Five: I’m Possessive 

Author’s Note: Geez Frieza, you don’t want Yamcha’s love until it looks like it might go to someone else? Grow up you dork. Sorry this chapter is so short, I really wanted to get started on the next one ASAP because it’s gonna be pretty dang rad and gonna feature a big turning point for our favorite awkward soulmates. Also, my life just got shook up again, but in a good way, looks like I’ll have a lot more time to write soon, so I’m going to be going back to working on another more plot heavy Yamza fic that I’ll hopefully be publishing soon. I think I’m gonna work on the two simultaneously, since I kinda like the idea of having this fic run indefinitely since I don’t have a specific ending in mind for it yet. We’ll see.  
Finally, please take a moment and check out this lovely art from Hayal-sama on Tumblr!

https://hayal-sama.tumblr.com/post/177633680102/you-can-not-love-not-fully-unless-this-love-is


	6. A Dark Dark Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frieza thinks he'd make a better thief than Yamcha. He's wrong. When things go south they have to improvise... and things go in a direction that neither one expected, but Yamcha very much approves of.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Six: A Dark Dark Corner

“Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s awesome that you’re actually taking an interest in something that I do and all, but it’s not an easy skill to learn-“

“If a human such as yourself can do it, then there’s no reason that I, with my speed and intellect, wouldn’t be able to master it with ease.”

Yamcha had been planning on making them a little more money that day- it’s amazing how fast they had blown through his ill-gotten funds from their previous pick pocketing session! Frieza, however, was fully convinced that he’d be better at it than his human partner in crime. “It’s not just a matter of being able to move quickly!” Yamcha tried to explain, “it’s also about reading people to figure out who’s worth targeting, finding or creating minor distractions so that they won’t notice what you’re doing, and of course being able to effectively bluff your way out of it if they notice you.” 

“I’ve commanded hundreds of soldiers, singlehandedly destroyed planets, and committed grander evils than you could ever begin to dream of,” Frieza answered. “I think I’m more than qualified to handle this.” 

“There’s no saying no to you, huh?” Yamcha sighed. “I get the feeling you’re going to try it next time we’re out, with my help or not.” 

“Oho ho ho, it seems you’re getting to know me a bit after all.” 

“Well, you are my soulmate, eventually we’ll know each other better than anyone!” 

“Could you just not? Do that? For even a few minutes?” 

“Fine, fine…” 

\- - - 

The two men approached a different shopping mall. “Malls are easy targets because there are so many people, it makes it easy to not be noticed. Plus people aren’t suspicious if you bump into them, and they’re generally carrying cash. And of course, a big crowd makes it easier to vanish if you get caught!” 

“I won’t get caught,” Frieza stated, then gave Yamcha a sly look. “If I did, I’d just kill whoever caught me and move on to the next unfortunate target.” 

“Nope. No killing, you try and I’ll stop you as usual.” 

“Oh Yamcha, now that you’ve so willingly stepped outside of the hero role by going back to petty theft I think you have lost all rights to lecture me.” 

“There’s a big difference between theft and murder! Even you know that!” Yamcha folded his arms. “Look, on Earth, if you do something bad you can wind up locked up in jail-“

“If there’s a structure on this planet that can hold you against your will I’d be surprised, and of course, there isn’t a prison in this entire universe that I couldn’t break out of in my sleep.” Yamcha’s serious expression broke into a grin but he didn’t say anything. Frieza just glared. “That wasn’t a compliment, it was just an observation!” 

“A correct one. But that doesn’t make it any less of a thrill to hear you acknowledging my superior strength!” 

“Only superior in comparison to the rest of the maggots on this planet, so don’t get too excited over it.” 

“Anyway, while you’re right that the two of us could easily use brute strength to avoid arrest or incarceration, we’d be on the run for the rest of our lives after that. Human police don’t just forgive and forget you know!” 

“Fine then. So what are you suggesting we do instead if you make a mistake and get me caught?” 

“If you make a mistake and get yourself caught,” Yamcha corrected, “it’s one of two plans. If you’ve already gotten whatever you took back to me, then deny the theft and offer to let them check you. Even if they saw you take something there’s nothing they can do without physical evidence. If you still have it though, we run. No flying because that attracts too much attention. One of my friends is a cop, so he’d be able to figure out pretty quick who was involved if there was a description of two suspects flying away.” 

“What a bothersome set of rules,” Frieza muttered, and with that the two headed in. 

\- - - 

It had started out so well- Yamcha had been in awe of Frieza’s quick, precise movements, and had to stifle a laugh every time anyone took any notice of the emperor, as his response to that was a glare that would intimidate even the toughest of humans into instantly looking away. But maybe he’d gotten too confident- pulling a wallet from a woman’s purse at a speed too quick for a normal human’s eyes to follow he’d missed that her keychain had caught on the edge of it, and it fell loudly to the ground, drawing the eyes of not only the woman he was stealing from, but several other people in the immediate area. 

So now Frieza and Yamcha were rushing through the crowds, trying to lose their former mark as she ran after them shouting “Thief! Stop him!” To anyone who’d listen. Right when Yamcha was starting to think they’d get gotten far enough away and could slow down and blend back in he heard a voice that made his blood run cold.

“What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

“Shit! Why is my luck always like this?” Yamcha dodged to the left down a hallway, Frieza yanked along behind him. “Now what?” 

“You’re asking me? I thought we had a plan? Why is it that we’ve stopped running?” Frieza asked, irritated.

“Of all the cops that could just so happen to be in the area of course it’s the one who would immediately notice and recognize us… remember I said one of my friends was a police officer?” Yamcha peeked around the corner and immediately pulled himself back. “Yeah, that’s Krillin for sure, and he’s headed this way… We need to hide!” 

“Krillin?”

“I’m starting to think you do this just to mess with me, Frieza, surely you remember Krillin! Short, bald more often than not? You killed him on Namek apparently and made Goku mad enough to go Super Saiyan?” 

“Oh, him. I could just kill him again-“ 

He was cut off when Yamcha sprinted toward a door near the end of the hall, flung it open, and dived inside, the force that connected them all but flinging Frieza in after him. It was dark but in the interest of not attracting attention neither one made a move for the light switch, and as his eyes slowly adjusted Yamcha looked around. “I guess this is the janitor’s closet? Pretty cramped in here. Can you try to suppress your Ki a bit?” 

“Why do you think it’s acceptable to be so damnably close to me?” Frieza demanded. Indeed, with the limited space around them being full of mop buckets, containers of undiluted cleaning chemicals, and boxes of paper towels and the like, there was nearly no room to move. 

“Sorry, sorry…” Yamcha tried to take a step back but there was no space- all he succeeded in doing was accidentally running his hand over Frieza’s side, and despite their circumstances he couldn’t help but appreciate how smooth his skin was… 

“Keep your hands where I can see them!” The emperor demanded, and his human soulmate quickly complied. He tried to turn away, but felt his back brush against Yamcha’s chest and stomach… Despite the time they’d spent forced to stay near each other, he’d never really touched the human for more than a moment- who gave permission for someone so weak to have such well defined, firm muscles? 

“This is bad,” Yamcha whispered. “We shouldn’t have hid. If he does come down here the very fact that we are hiding is practically admitting our guilt!” 

“We need an excuse then,” Frieza replied, trying to ignore Yamcha’s body heat. Mammals put out so much of it, and humans, particularly this one, seemed to be no exception. “Why would two people have reason to be together in a dirty little closet like this other than hiding criminal activity?”

Yamcha looked down at the shorter man and blushed a bit. “Well, you know, we could just claim that maybe we were in a romantic mood and hid in here because we didn’t want anyone to see us making out-“

“If you say or do even one more slightly perverse thing I will blow up this mall!” Frieza threatened, and tried to take a step forward to put some distance between himself and his very distracting partner, but in the semidarkness he instead slipped on a pile of damp rags and lost his balance, falling back against the human. Yamcha reflexively grabbed Frieza, pulling him against himself for steadiness’s sake. 

“A-are you, uh… okay?” Yamcha stammered, making no effort to let go. 

Frieza glared up at him and tried to say something biting in reply but the words got lost somewhere, and then his mouth was being used for the far more important task of kissing his soulmate anyway. Every instinct he had craved the heat of this human, and he wrapped his arms around his neck and and tail around his waist, pulling him as close as possible. 

Yamcha quite literally couldn’t think, he was too caught up in how incredible it felt to finally have Frieza in his arms. And the alien’s lips felt every bit as amazing as they looked. Desperate to get even closer, he sat down on a pile of boxes and pulled Frieza into his lap. As much as he disliked being picked up against his will, Frieza didn’t stop him, as those arms of his just felt too good to deny. 

Meanwhile, Yamcha’s hands were wandering, and his left slid down between the emperor’s thighs. As his fingers brushed past an area that the emperor did NOT normally allow people to touch, he gasped, “Ah- Yamcha!” 

…perhaps a bit too loudly. The closet door suddenly swung open, and the soulmates were face to face with Krillin. His expression changed very quickly from ‘hardcore police officer’ to ‘very confused and embarrassed’ as he realized what he was looking at. Frieza jumped off of Yamcha and tried to push him away with more force than the wish would allow, and the human stood up too fast, knocking over a few boxes in the process. 

“This isn’t what it looks like!” Frieza shouted, grabbing Krillin by the front of his shirt and tossing him out of the closet. “Now leave!” 

Krillin had by this point recovered from his shock, and stood up, shaking his head. “Sorry you two, I’ve gotta arrest you for suspicion of attempted theft.” 

“Hey, we didn’t steal anything!” Yamcha protested. “Unless you mean you’re arresting Frieza for stealing my heart!” He winked at the emperor as he said that, but Frieza just crossed his arms and looked away. 

“Dude, no, save that crap for later will you? I have a report of two men attempting to steal a woman’s wallet.” 

“That could be any two men! Don’t discriminate against us just because we’re two men in love!” 

“WE ARE NOT IN LOVE!” Frieza shouted, attempting to smack Yamcha and as usual failing.

“Stop reaching, Yamcha,” Krillin said with a sigh as he pulled out a notebook and read, “Suspects described as a short pale man with a tail who appeared to be accompanied by a taller man with long hair and facial scars-“ 

“That’s so vague, I can think of like, a thousand people that could be!” Yamcha’s desperation was apparent in his voice. Krillin just kept reading. 

“After further questions, victim added that the taller suspect looked quite a bit like a professional baseball player named Yamcha.” 

“Curse my gorgeous, famous face,” Yamcha muttered. 

Frieza sighed, rolled his eyes, and stepped in front of his human before addressing Krillin. “Look, maggot. I’m unused to Earth culture or your ridiculous concepts of morality. Dear Yamcha has been helping me adapt, of course, but we hadn’t yet covered the fact that earthlings consider objects to be property of whomever purchased them, not whomever the strongest person in the room is. As such, I felt justified in taking what I thought was mine, and it wasn’t until we fled that Yamcha explained to me that things don’t work that way on this horrible planet. I’ve learned, and that obnoxious woman still has her wallet, so what exactly do you hope to accomplish by attempting to arrest us?” As he spoke that last sentence, he advanced toward Krillin, who took a few steps backwards. 

“O-okay. Fine. I’ll cover for you this time. It didn’t make sense anyway that Yamcha would be stealing, I know you make plenty of money from your baseball career and all-“ 

Yamcha laughed nervously- he hadn’t told any of his friends that he’d lost that job yet- and Krillin continued, “so uh, keep your boyfriend under control and we’re good, okay?” 

“I am NOT his boyfriend!” Frieza said, “Just a temporary ally until we can undo this stupid curse that’s keeping us together!” 

“…right. Because temporary allies totally do what you two were doing a minute ago-“ 

“Are we finished here?” Frieza asked, his tone menacing. Krillin shook his head and ran off.

Yamcha slumped back against the wall. “Oh man, that was close… thanks for covering for us, Frieza…” He then stood back up and tossed his arm around the other man’s shoulders. “Soooo, wanna continue things back home?” 

“Absolutely not, you filthy pervert!” Frieza pushed Yamcha’s arm off of him and glared. “That was just…” what was it, anyway? He found an excuse. “You said it yourself, ‘making out’ would be a good cover up for why we were hiding. That’s all it was. Nothing has changed, if you so much as try to touch me I will break your hands, no matter how talented they are-“ Noticing Yamcha’s grin, Frieza added, “Stop assuming I’m complimenting you when I’m just stating a basic fact! Now let’s leave. I’ve grown tired of this establishment.” 

As they headed home, Yamcha said in a dreamy tone, “I am so lucky! I can’t believe my soulmate is such a good kisser! I can’t wait until you fall in love with me and we can do that all the time-“ 

“Shut. Up.” 

“Frieza, you’re blushing-“ 

“SHUT. UP.” 

End Chapter Six: A Dark Dark Corner

Author’s Note: HUGE THANKS to the fantastic [SkinsT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinsT/pseuds/SkinsT) for help with this chapter! One of the concepts I thought I’d write in this fic at some point was Frieza getting them caught while pick pocketing, but I didn’t have anything else to flesh it out into a full chapter so I had the idea on the back burner- but after a conversation (and some amazing art) with Skins about these two making out in a closet I realized I had what I needed. So yeah, thanks buddy!

And yeah I know, this isn't the first time I've had them interrupted by Krillin in a fic. I'm repetitive sometimes if an idea amuses me. 

And what from here? Heh, I have at least two or three more chapters worth of ideas and want to keep this going for a while, but I’m resuming work on another fic as well, so updates on this one might slow down a little. Thanks for sticking with me, and as always, know that I love comments almost as much as Yamcha loves kissing Frieza, so feel free to leave some and make my day!


	7. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frieza figures out a new plan that will hopefully get him out of his current situation- but he needs to promise some distasteful things to Yamcha in order to get his soulmate to go along with it.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Seven: Kiss Me

In the aftermath of what, in the rare occasions where Frieza would allow Yamcha to talk about it without immediately silencing him, had been dubbed “the closet incident,” Frieza was increasingly anxious to find a way out of his current situation. He’d thought the weak human whom he’d found himself bound to was just a pest… but it turned out he might actually be a threat. 

The emperor had slipped up once. He had to be absolutely certain it didn’t happen again. 

Yamcha on the other hand had a very different way of looking at their current situation- and he wouldn’t shut up about it. “Frieza, when can we kiss again?”

“Never. Now stop asking that shameless question! My answer has not and will not change, particularly if you keep repeating this ridiculous inquiry!” 

“Like, I get that you don’t want to right now, you’re not in love with me yet,” Yamcha tried to reason, “but when is that gonna change? Do you think you’re close to loving me? Or is it gonna be another couple months? I mean, I know emotions can’t be rushed and all, but I really really really wanna kiss you again because you’re frankly incredible at it-“ 

“Of course I am, I’m incredible at everything I attempt! That should be a given at this point! But if you don’t cease this questioning I will find a way to rip your lips off so that you can’t kiss anyone. Ever. Again.” 

“Oh, soulmate,” Yamcha laughed, “threats like that are meaningless when you’re incapable of harming me!” 

So Frieza waited until Yamcha was distracted and tripped him with his tail. 

\- - - 

Early on a morning not long after that, the two men were laying in bed, Yamcha sound asleep, Frieza awake and irritated. Very early on he’d made the other man buy them a larger bed, but thanks to the effects of the wish he still couldn’t get much space. His internal clock always woke him up long before the human’s alarm went off, but he couldn’t just get up (and waking Yamcha guaranteed annoying chitter chatter), so instead he sat in bed, drumming his fingertips against his leg and trying to think. Genius that he was, he knew there had to be a way to escape the effects of the wish, and that he was fully capable of figuring it out. He glanced over at the other man, who was sprawled out and taking up far more space than was polite on their shared bed. The sheets had been mostly kicked off thanks to the mid summer heat, and the slightest hint of the early morning sun was falling across his bare chest… 

Frieza watched it slowly rise and fall, his eyes tracing over the lines of Yamcha’s well defined muscles- and quickly looked away, glaring at the wall. Yes, he’d need to find a way out of this ASAP. This damn human was becoming an issue… 

\- - - 

“You know, Frieza, I was thinking… it’s been a month since I made the wish, or at least it will be tomorrow. We should do something to celebrate our month-iversary!” Yamcha said over his shoulder between push ups. Frieza had been sitting on his back, both because he couldn’t get far away anyway and was too disgusted by the dirty gym mat that his human was currently working out on to want to be on the floor more than necessary, and because the emperor’s extra weight enhanced the workout’s effects. 

Frieza rolled his eyes. “What are we celebrating exactly? The only significance of a month’s passing is to remind me of how many months are left before we can use the Dragon Balls again to undo this-“ Wait. His eyes went wide when a thought occurred to him. Of course. Of course! How had he not seen it sooner?! He tuned out Yamcha’s rambling speech about the importance of celebrating landmarks in a relationship and instead began to form a plan… 

“…so with all that in mind, what do you think?” 

“Very well, you’ve convinced me. Tomorrow we’ll do something special.” 

“Really?” Yamcha sat up quickly, accidentally dumping Frieza to the ground in the process. “Oh, sorry about that, here,” he held up his hand but the emperor ignored it, standing carefully back up, dusting himself off, then glaring at his apparent soulmate. 

“Do try to be more careful,” he said, his tone polite as ever even as he shot a look at the human that would have made most people fear for their lives. Yamcha, much to Frieza’s irritation, had lost that fear. He supposed it was a mix of his current inability to actually follow through on the threat and the fact that he was so frequently on the receiving end of such a glare that it had lost it’s impact. 

Yamcha was still floored that Frieza was actually willing to go along with it. “Is there anything specific you had in mind? We could maybe go out somewhere nice for dinner, or-“ 

The shorter man held up a hand, silencing him. “We should do something bigger than that. We’re going to take a little trip together. You’ll be able to get us a spaceship, won’t you?”

“I wish I could,” Yamcha shrugged, “but remember, when you asked for a ship on our first day together my friends shot it down, and it’s pretty much impossible to get one without going through Capsule Corp-“

“Yes, I recall that, but that was when I asked. You’ll make sure they won’t say no to you.”

The human tapped his fingertips together nervously. “Uh, Frieza, from your tone I’m starting to think this isn’t actually about finding something to do for our month-iversary… what are you really planning?” 

“Oh, nothing much,” Frieza said with a wicked grin, “I’m just thinking we could pay the Namekians a visit. Why wait for Earth’s Dragon Balls to regenerate when there is a perfectly usable set waiting for us in space?”

Yamcha sighed. “I was afraid you’d think of that…” 

“What, so you already had and didn’t share the idea with me? Aren’t you the one who keeps saying things like ‘soulmates shouldn’t keep anything from each other’ and the like?” 

“It’s not that I was trying to keep things from you!” Yamcha took a step back. “Believe it or not I’m looking forward to having the wish undone as much as you are. I want us to be together because we chose to be, not because we literally can’t be more than arm’s length apart!”

Frieza grabbed the collar of Yamcha’s shirt and pulled him down to eye level. “Then why, pray tell, didn’t you suggest this sooner?” 

“Because the wish is the only way I can stop you from doing evil things, okay?! If it’s undone, and we’re out in space and you have access to a ship, you’ll probably kill me, rejoin your army, then go blow up Earth or something!” Yamcha pulled away from the other man’s grip and stood up straight. “And while I have an obligation to you as your soulmate, I also have an obligation to the people of this planet to keep them safe-“

Frieza rolled his eyes. “Do this and I’ll let you kiss me.” 

“…really?”

“Really.”

Yamcha had his phone out of his pocket in less than a second and started dialing Bulma, but was stopped by Puar. “Don’t let him manipulate you like this! As soon as the wish is undone he’s going to do something terrible-“ 

“Puar, sometimes a man has to make a decision that seems to make no sense to an outside observer, but he knows in his heart he’s doing the right thing.”

“It’s not your heart that you’re obeying right now, it’s your dick!” 

“S-sometimes the two are interconnected!” Yamcha tried to reason. Frieza shook his head and stepped between the two friends. 

“He’s made his decision, rodent. Now, make the call… soulmate.” 

Frieza so rarely acknowledged their supposed bond that hearing the word made Yamcha’s cheeks go red, and he quickly pulled back out his phone and made the call.

End Chapter Seven: Kiss Me

Author’s note: Another short chapter. I think that’s the norm for this fic. Eh. Next chapter they get to Namek, grab some balls (ha ha I’m immature), and make three wishes… what will the wishes be? Here’s your hint. It’s this ridiculous fic, so you’d better believe the wishes won’t work out quite how our set of soulmates hoped. 

If I update this fic again before posting at least a chapter of the fic I’ve been using Buildings as a working title of (the more plot driven/serious Yamza fic I’ve been vagueing about) feel free to shame me. Until then, please comment because getting an email from AO3 saying I got a comment makes me stop whatever I’m doing, jump up and down for five minutes while screaming in excitement, and just make a fool of myself in general.


	8. In Space All I Think About Is You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The soulmates head out into space with the goal of using the Namekian Dragon Balls to undo the wish, but the journey isn't exactly a smooth one...

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Eight: In Space All I Think About Is You And Me

“I take it that didn’t go well?” 

Yamcha slipped his phone into his back pocket and laughed sheepishly. “Well, you see, Bulma and I have known each other a really long time, so she’s gotten pretty good at figuring out when I’m lying-“

“I’ve only known you for a month and I can always tell when you’re lying.” 

“Oooo, Frieza, are you… feeling competitive with my ex?”

“Of course not. I’m just saying you’re rather transparent. Now, tell me, if you aren’t getting us a space ship from Bulma then what is your backup plan?” 

“…we could steal one and then later I can blame it on you.”

Frieza chuckled. “When you set aside your pointless ethics you’re almost bearable.” 

Yamcha was rather moved by this. “That’s one of the nicest things you’ve said to me, thank you, soulmate!” 

“There was no positive intent behind it, I can assure you of that!” 

\- - - 

The soulmates packed what they’d need for a multi day trip (Frieza had been horrified to learn how slow even a top of the line Earth spaceship was) and set out toward Capsule Corp. However, Yamcha insisted on making a stop along the way, so they wound up outside the door of the mansion where Gohan and Videl lived with their family. Videl answered. “Well, this is a surprise! It’s good to see you, Yamcha! And…” she narrowed her eyes, “Frieza.” 

“Hey Videl! Sorry to bother you, but we were about to head out on a trip and I just wanted to say something to Gohan before we left. Is he around?” 

“Yes, he is-“ she looked over her shoulder and shouted, “Gohan, you have company!” 

Moments later the man in question appeared. “Hey Yamcha! And uh… Frieza.” 

“Two completely unenthusiastic greetings, my my, I almost think my presence isn’t welcome here,” Frieza replied with a smirk. 

Yamcha ignored him and instead said, “Gohan, I know this is many years late, but I don’t think I ever really properly thanked you for everything you did on Planet Namek to help bring me back to life.” He grabbed the younger man’s hand in both of his and gave it a very enthusiastic handshake. “I guess I’m just feeling extra grateful to be alive right now, having finally met my soulmate and all that, and just wanted to make sure you know you’re appreciated!”

“Oh, well, it was no trouble, I was happy to help!” Gohan answered with a laugh. After Yamcha and Frieza excused themselves and the door was closed, he turned to Videl. “Well, that was certainly a rather… random visit.” As he headed back toward the kitchen, he glanced down at his bare wrist. “That’s weird, I could have sworn I was wearing my watch…” 

Outside, Yamcha picked back up their luggage and flew off, followed closely by an unamused Frieza. “Was that really completely necessary?” 

The human turned to him, grinning. “Hey soulmate, what’s that on your wrist?” 

By this point Frieza was no longer surprised by Yamcha’s quick hands (although he was quietly impressed by them), but he still glared from the watch he hadn’t noticed he was wearing to Yamcha. “We delayed our important mission just to steal a watch?”

“Not just any watch!” Yamcha replied. “We’ll have an easier time gathering the Dragon Balls if the Namekians aren’t working against us, but if there is a chance they’ll recognize you…” 

“I suppose they wouldn’t exactly remember me fondly, but the number of them that saw me in this form is quite low.” 

“But do we even want to take that chance? Better to have you disguised, just to be sure. That’s where the watch comes in.” 

“A decent idea in concept, but even the Namekians aren’t so foolish as to think I’m a different person just because of a single accessory!” 

Yamcha laughed at this. “Obviously! But there’s a button on the side of the watch. Try pressing it.” 

Frieza shook his head, but complied, then stopped flying midair, looking down at himself in shock. “What?!” Where he had previously been naked, he was now wearing a somewhat oversized outfit with sunglasses, a red cape, some sort of green tunic, and boots/gloves that were very similar to what members of his own army used to wear. 

Yamcha could hardly contain himself. “Oh. My. God. Frieza you look so ridiculous, you are literally the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life right now!”

“CALL ME CUTE JUST ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!” 

\- - - 

The duo landed outside of Capsule Corp’s headquarters, Frieza back in his usual lack of attire. Yamcha had explained about Gohan’s double life as a super hero, and the emperor had agreed to, for the sake of his larger goal, use the disguise while they were on Namek. It was dark out by this point, a factor that worked in their favor.

“I used to live here back when I was dating Bulma, so I know this place like the back of my hand. I can lead us through the blind spots of the security cameras, and I still have keys for pretty much everything. But there’s one place where we’re gonna need your speed. Until then, just stay close to me.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem, considering I regrettably don’t have any choice on that.”

With that the soulmates jumped the fence and headed in. The space ships were in a heavily secured area behind the lab, so they stayed outside of the main building, dodging the cameras and scaling several fences. When they reached the final fence Yamcha stopped.

“Okay, so there’s not only cameras, but also a guard patrolling this area. If we just jump the fence he’ll see us and recognize me, and if he tells Bulma that we stole the ship then we’re gonna have Goku Instant Transmissioning up to see what’s going on long before we reach Namek. So, the moment I get this door open, dash toward the closest ship with an open hatch. You’re fast enough that both the guard and the cameras should miss us, right?” 

Frieza’s tail lashed irritably. “My dear Yamcha, you insult me. Of course I’m more than fast enough for that! Now, enough stalling!”

“Right!” Yamcha pulled out his keys, selected one that Bulma had given him back when they were still dating (she’d never thought to ask for it’s return), and unlocked the door. “Ready?”

“What do you think?”

So the human flung the door open and wrapped his arms around Frieza- and was inside a ship before he could even comprehend the wind in his hair. “W-whoa… You ARE fast.”

“Naturally… Now are you planning on letting go of me or will I have to remove you by force?”

Yamcha relaxed his arms and took a step back, blushing. “Sorry… So, uh, I probably should have confirmed this sooner, but do you know how to fly this thing?”

“I suppose I should know better than to assume you actually think things through at this point. What would happen if I said no?” Frieza’s voice dripped sarcasm as he took a look at the control panels. “Lucky for you I happen to be a genius, which somewhat balances out your own foolish and naive nature.” 

“Did you just admit we make a good couple?” 

“Do you ever stop trying to twist every word I say into a love confession?”

“Oh my god… you said ‘love.’”

“…and that answers that question. Now be quiet and let me figure this out.” It didn’t take long- much like the ship Goku had taken to Namek, the one our soulmates were currently aboard was heavily adapted from the technology used on the ship the Saiyan had been sent to Earth in as an infant. As such, it was rather familiar (if a bit dated) to the emperor. “Ha! Is this really the best Earthlings can do? So primitive! No match at all for me! Now here…” he typed for a moment before flipping a switch, “we…” he pulled a lever and then slammed his hand down on a button, “go!” 

The ship’s hatch closed, and Yamcha could hear what he assumed was the rockets firing up. Moments later they launched. Back on Earth Dr. Briefs headed out into the yard, cheerfully whistling to himself. “Well that’s funny,” he said, watching the space ship vanish into the atmosphere, “I coulda sworn we didn’t have any tests scheduled for that unfinished prototype today… oh well!” 

\- - - 

“This is so cool,” Yamcha whispered, breathless at how gorgeous his home planet looked from so high above. Frieza stood beside him, also looking out the window, a small smile on his face. Space… this was home, and he’d missed it. 

As the Earth grew smaller and smaller in their view, he looked over at his unwanted companion’s awed expression. Silly human, so excited over something so mundane, he thought. Yamcha glanced over at him and the two met eyes for a moment- Frieza braced himself for his soulmate to make some dumb comment, but instead he just smiled and went back to looking out the window. Frieza quickly turned his head away, feeling his cheeks burn slightly. Someone as obnoxious as Yamcha shouldn’t be so… endearing. It was unnerving. “Ugh. Are we done being tourists?” 

“Sorry, sorry, this is probably totally boring to you, huh?” Yamcha laughed and reluctantly stepped away from the window. 

\- - - 

“I can hardly believe that this poorly designed ship is truly the pinnacle of Earth’s space travel technology,” Frieza muttered to himself as he strode around the interior of the spherical craft, followed by Yamcha, who was currently clad in his orange gi and jogging in circles around the shorter man. The emperor had brought his tablet with the intention of spending the several day long journey reading, but the battery had died several hours after lift off.

“Whatcha looking for? Maybe I can help?” Yamcha asked, jogging in place as Frieza bent down to look under a control console. 

“A power outlet,” he answered, clearly irritated. 

“I think there’s one over by the artificial gravity controls…” 

“Hmm… you’re right…” Frieza plugged his device in and waited a moment, then glared back at the still dark screen of his tablet. “It’s not doing anything. Fix it.” 

“Let me see…” Yamcha sat on the floor and felt around the edges of the panel above the outlet, finding a small indentation that allowed him to slip his fingers under it and carefully pry it off. Setting it aside he leaned in and took a look. “Well, this isn’t good.” 

“I don’t care. How long until you can have this operational?”

Yamcha pulled himself back out and leaned against the console, shaking his head. “I’m not sure why, but there’s literally no wiring or anything behind the outlet. It’s basically just a faceplate-“

“Then install some.” 

“Come on, soulmate, be reasonable! I didn’t exactly think I’d be needing to pack electrical components for this trip, and even if by some miracle I had, we’d need a proper electrician to do it!” 

“Are you kidding me?! Ugh! Very well then… I suppose I’ll just have to find another way to occupy myself through the tedium of these remaining days.”

“I have an idea,” Yamcha suggested with a slight blush, “we could make out-“

“NO.”

“But it was so nice last time-“

“That was under very specific circumstances! It’s not happening again!”

“You did promise I could kiss you if I went along with this plan-“

“Indeed I did and I intend to keep my word, but there’s quite a difference between just one single kiss and what you’re suggesting. Now drop this topic at once!” 

“Got it. I won’t ask again today.” 

“Don’t ask again ever.”

“I can’t promise that!” 

Frieza sighed. “I’m going to meditate. Bother me and I’ll blow a hole through the side of this ship.” With that he sat down in the ship’s only chair and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the sound of Yamcha continuing to jog around him. The rhythmic sound of his feet hitting the floor was easy enough to tune out, but his breathing was incredibly distracting for whatever reason. He opened one eye and asked, “is what you’ve been doing necessary?”

Yamcha continued his circles. “Yep. Not a lot of ways I can work out on this thing but I’ve gotta do what I can.”

“Why bother? You’ve already made it clear you aren’t getting any more powerful.”

“Humans aren’t like you,” he explained. “If I don’t maintain my muscle by continuing to train then I’ll lose it. And I need it so that once we break our forced closeness I can go back to my baseball career… Plus it helps me to look hot enough to make a good partner for you-“ 

“DON’T.”

“And aside from that, even if I don’t fight much these days I like to be ready in case I’m ever needed, you know?” 

Frieza sighed again, and stood up. “Fine then. If you insist on doing this, I suppose I have nothing better to do anyway. Let’s train.”

“Really?” Yamcha immediately stopped jogging and brushed his sweaty hair out of his face. “You mean, together?”

“Obviously,” Frieza smirked. “But we won’t be wasting my time by running in meaningless circles. This will be combat training. Since I’m regrettably unable to hit you, we’ll have you try and hit me. You won’t be able to land even a single blow, of course, but do at least try and surprise me.”

“Yes sir!” Yamcha nodded. “Let’s go!” 

\- - - 

Several hours had passed like this. As predicted, Frieza had been able to either dodge or block every one of Yamcha’s attacks. But the human was persistent- an admirable trait, Frieza supposed. Ki moves were avoided, both because they were impractical when the two were forced to stand so close, and out of fear of damaging the ship. It was only when Yamcha dropped his stance and yawned loudly that their ersatz battle was paused. “Goodness Yamcha, have I finally worn you down?” Frieza asked with a laugh. The other man shook his head. 

“Never! My stamina is legendary, thank you very much! But we’ve been awake for a long time… in fact, let’s see…” he pulled his phone out of his bag and took a look. “It’s the equivalent of two in the morning back home! Can we maybe pick this back up tomorrow?” 

They agreed to head to bed. The ship lacked any sort of proper sleeping area, but Yamcha had brought a large blanket, so he situated that on the floor and laid down on it beside Frieza. “How mortifying,” Frieza said, staring up at the ceiling. “The current emperor and future god of this universe, laying on the floor of a primitive vehicle, accompanied only by a weak Earthling.” 

Yamcha shook his head. “Just think of it as a chance to do something you’ll never do again. Next time you’re in a bed worthy of you you’ll think back to this and appreciate it more or something?” 

Frieza rolled onto his side so that he was facing away from the human. After a moment, he sat back up. “It seems to have grown much colder over the last few hours, hasn’t it? I’m turning up the thermostat.”

\- - - 

The following day (not that there was much difference between day and night in space, of course, but they continued to use Earth time for convenience’s sake) the soulmates ate a quick breakfast of some granola bars and resumed training. Yamcha was impressed with himself- while he still hadn’t managed to land any of his attacks, he was once again able to spar for hours without rest- he hoped Frieza had noticed. As they wound down again for the night and spread back out the blanket, he took another look at the thermostat. “Weird…” 

“What is it?” Frieza asked, following Yamcha’s gaze toward the display.

“Am I crazy or is that way off?” He asked his shorter companion. Indeed, according to what was displayed it should be a cozy eighty degrees Fahrenheit, but now that they no longer had their physical efforts to keep them warm, both men were uncomfortably chilly. 

“Just… turn it up more,” Frieza said with a shrug. Yamcha complied, and after pausing just long enough to make sure there was warm air coming out of the vents, both men laid down and attempted to sleep. 

\- - - 

“How the hell does anyone think it’s okay to build a functional space craft without fully insulating it?” Yamcha wondered out loud. The temperature had continued to drop through the night and into the following morning despite their turning the thermostat up as far as it would allow, and once things had gotten too unbearable the human had decided to investigate. Removing several panels from the walls and taking a look inside he learned that only half of the unfinished ship had been properly fitted with insulation, and the air inside grew colder and colder as their heat leaked out. As a result Yamcha was now sitting on the floor with his back against one of the air vents and the blanket around him, almost comfortable. Frieza was pacing in front of him, trying not to look bothered. “You know, soulmate, it’s a big blanket, you could join me…”

“I’m not as feeble as you, human,” the emperor growled. “Do you know just how cold space is? I can survive far more extreme climates than this.” Yamcha snickered at that, and Frieza stopped pacing and glared down at him. “What is it that’s so humorous, pray tell?” 

“You just always have to play tough. It’s funny. I’ve dealt with much colder temperatures than this too you know, but I’m not gonna deprive myself of comfort where I can find it.” 

Frieza rolled his eyes and resumed pacing, but ten minutes later he sat down by his partner, crossing his arms and staring straight ahead. “Say one word about this and our deal is off.” 

Yamcha fought back the urge to say I told you so and instead scooted over slightly. Frieza moved into that space, relaxing slightly as he felt the vent’s heat on his back. When he was offered some of the blanket he accepted, and the two sat in silence. 

The heat from Yamcha’s body… even with an inch or two between them under the blanket Frieza couldn’t help but notice it. It brought his mind back to the closet incident. It had felt so good that day. 

To the side of him, Yamcha kept stealing glances down at his emperor. After a few minutes of silence he said, “I, uh… I know I put out more warmth than you do. If you wanted to get closer I won’t try anything dirty or anything!” 

“Don’t try and make any weird meanings out of this,” Frieza replied, closing the remaining space between them and leaning against his human’s side. He was warm alright… And after several days without being able to properly shower the human had a stronger scent than normal. It wasn’t unpleasant, he decided. “If you’re careful with where your hands end up then I suppose you can put your arms around me.” 

Yamcha complied. Here he was with one of the strongest and most evil beings in the universe relaxed in his embrace, his powerful muscles and intimidating Ki creating a fascinating contrast with his small, beautiful body… He tightened his hold just slightly and smiled. This… this was nice. 

They stayed like that for a few hours more until a beeping from the ship’s navigation program caught Frieza’s attention, and he stood up quickly in hopes that Yamcha wouldn’t pick up on just how reluctant he was to leave his warm arms. After looking over the display, he smiled. “We’re about to begin our descent… At last, this nightmare comes to it’s final act!”

Yamcha left the blanket around his shoulders and approached the window. “So this is the place, huh? Guess you’d better get your disguise on.” 

“I can’t believe I have to do this,” Frieza muttered, grabbing Gohan’s watch from where he’d left it, slipping it on, and pressing the button. Yamcha tried to speak but his partner covered his mouth. “You were about to call me ‘cute’ again weren’t you?! Don’t do that.” 

Pulling away slightly, Yamcha shook his head. “I wasn’t gonna call you cute, I promise!” 

“Good-“ 

“I was gonna call you adorable!”

“HOW IS THAT ANY BETTER?!” 

End Chapter Eight: In Space All I Think About Is You And Me

Okay this was getting WAY long so I cut it off here. The next chapter will likely be up within the next day or two though since it was originally gonna be part of this and I have a lot of it written. Sorry for this randomly long chapter in what’s mostly a relatively quick fic! …for some reason writing that they ate granola bars was really funny to me. I just… I can’t imagine Frieza enjoying eating a granola bar. I don’t know.

Here’s the part where I beg for reviews, sooooooo reviews plz? Because reviews are to me what food is to Goku? Even if all you say is “eww” or something I just get excited knowing other people read this? 

Finally go check out [what SkinsT just posted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16035434) for some quality Yamza goodness, plus the third story in this collection of one shots is based on an abandoned premise that I came up with, so if you like my stuff and are curious about what happens when I try to go really dark with these two, as interpreted with SkinsT’s superior writing skills, you should give it a read!


	9. If Wishes Were Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frieza and Yamcha make three more wishes... only one of the three turns out as they'd hoped.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter Nine: If Wishes Were Changes

It had been surprisingly easy to get the cooperation of the Namekians- they remembered Yamcha from the time where they were temporarily living on Earth, and were happy to help a friend of Goku’s. Frieza wasn’t speaking just in case his voice was recognized- although he had a hard time staying quiet when Yamcha introduced him with “this is my soulmate, Fri- Frank. My soulmate’s name is Frank. Frank loves me very much.”

Gathering the Balls was a relatively straightforward task, and it wasn’t long before the couple, along with Shell, a Namekian who had been serving as their guide, were placing the last of the Dragon Balls together and preparing to make their wish. 

“You told me that a wish made on your Earth Dragon Balls is the reason you two are unable to be more than a few feet apart, so of course we’ll wish to have that fixed, but will you be needing your other two wishes?” Shell asked. 

Yamcha nodded. “If that’s okay? I did have some things in mind…” 

“Of course! Anything for a friend of Goku! Remember, I’ll have to make the wishes myself since they’ll need to be spoken in Namekian, so just let me know what to ask!” 

Frieza grabbed Yamcha’s arm and pulled him down so he could whisper, “I don’t trust you to make the wish, your poor wording is what got us into this unlivable situation to begin with…. Are you even listening to me?”

Indeed, the human had been blushing heavily- he couldn’t help himself, Frieza’s lips had brushed past his ear while they were speaking and it had put quite distracting thoughts into his head. But Yamcha quickly pulled himself back together and nodded, pulling out his phone, powering it back up for the first time since they’d set off to space, and handing it to the shorter man. “Here, Frank, you can type your wishes.” 

Behind his stolen sunglasses he rolled his eyes, but he grabbed the device and did so. When he was done he tried to hand it to Shell, but Yamcha intercepted it. “One sec, it’s kinda bright out here, let me turn up the screen a bit so it’s easier to read… Whoops, the ap crashed, one sec… okay there!” 

As Shell looked at the phone, he frowned. “These are some… interesting requests. And the last one doesn’t really make sense. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I asked Porunga to fix Frank’s inability to speak properly?” 

“Oh no, this is just a cold, it’ll clear up on it’s own eventually,” Yamcha replied, tossing his arm around the smaller man. “Frank doesn’t mind putting up with it a little longer!” 

“If you’re certain. Shall I go ahead and summon him?” 

“Please do!” The moment Shell turned away from them Frieza flicked Yamcha’s arm, and he quickly removed it. Yamcha then zoned out a bit while the correct phrase was said in Namekian to bring Porunga forth, and the wishes were read out, translated into the proper language, one at a time. When they were done and the sky was light once more, Frieza turned toward Yamcha with a smirk. 

“This is going to be infinitely satisfying,” he said, making no effort to hide his voice and removing his disguise. 

“Oh no! Frank is Frieza?!” Shell shouted in shock. 

“First, I think I’ll take care of you, now that my ‘soulmate’ can no longer stop me,” Frieza laughed. He quickly raised his arm and shot a beam of Ki toward the Namekian- Yamcha deflected it with one of his own. Shell ran off screaming, and the human and his emperor turned to face each other. “You shouldn’t have been able to deflect that.”

Yamcha crossed his arms and glared down at his partner. “Frieza… we might no longer have that wish connecting us, but I can’t just let you go back to being a villain.”

“How quickly you forget, without the wish there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Don’t let that fluke of being able to block one of my attacks give you undeserved confidence. Observe.” He lunged forward, raising his fist- Yamcha held up his palm and caught the attack. 

“Whoa,” Yamcha whispered, staring at Frieza’s hand in his own. With a growl, Frieza pulled it away and struck again, to similar effect. He powered up to his Golden form- this startled Yamcha long enough that he was able to land a single hit, but instead of sending him flying, it barely even knocked him back. Yamcha took advantage of the emperor’s moment of confusion and tackled him, pinning him to the ground. 

Despite everything that was going on, Yamcha couldn’t help but smile as he looked down at the very shiny (and very confused) version of his soulmate that was currently attempting to fight his way out from under him. “Geez, you’re… really pretty… in that form, you know that?” 

Frieza stopped struggling for just long enough to glare at Yamcha- “Shut up and unhand me!” But as he looked up he could feel the human’s breath on him, and his long hair was hanging down, brushing the side of the emperor’s face- somehow he lost his concentration and along with it his transformation, returning to his fourth form. “Explain this!” 

In one fluid movement, Yamcha rolled off of Frieza, flipped the other man over, pulled his arms behind his back, and finally got both of them to their feet, still keeping the smaller man’s arms restrained. “Soulmate or not, I couldn’t just let you go back to unhindered evil-“ 

Before the sentence could be finished they were dramatically interrupted by something falling out of the sky in front of them, slamming into the ground with sufficient force as to send both of them flying and to break Yamcha’s grip on Frieza’s arms. As the dust settled, the emperor stood up and tried to run over to the impact crater- but couldn’t step more than a few feet away from where his human was still recovering. 

The original wish was clearly still in effect. 

“Are you KIDDING ME?!” He strode back over to the taller man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulling him to his feet. “In a moment we are going to figure out exactly what went wrong and how it’s possible that you and I are still bound to each other, as well as your sudden combat advantage over me, but first we’re going to find out why one of my army’s ships has just landed on this horrible planet.” 

“Yes sir!” Yamcha answered with an awkward laugh, and they both headed over. As they approached, the small round pod opened, and out stepped a large humanoid alien dressed in battle armor and a scouter. 

“Lord Frieza!” He immediately bowed. “I had been tracking you through the galaxy to this planet, and have at last caught up with you! We’ve all been searching diligently for you ever since you vanished a month ago!”

“You may stand,” Frieza spoke, and the alien complied. “I can’t say I remember if we’ve been individually acquainted. Your name?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to remember a lowly being such as myself, Lord Frieza. My name is Cake, and I’m a member of the security team formerly stationed on-“ he trailed off. “Forgive me, my lord, but my scouter is displaying something very unusual for your power level.”

“That’s to be expected, how anyone could be in my employ without being aware of my superior strength is quite shocking.” 

“Uh, that’s not it,” Cake answered, climbing up the side of the crater and approaching the other two men. “It’s actually showing it to be quite low…” 

“It must be malfunctioning then- wait!” Frieza turned to Yamcha. “When you were using your phone after I had typed in my wishes, you weren’t adjusting the screen. You changed them, didn’t you?! You had the Dragon make me weak?!”

Yamcha took a step back. “I didn’t mean to make you weaker, I thought I could make myself stronger! You know, so I could stop you from destroying this planet and going back to being a tyrant and all that- oh shit!” He dodged to the side, dragging Frieza along after him. Cake had pulled out a weapon of some sort and had attempted to shoot them. 

“If you’re this weak, I can kill you… If I killed Frieza, I’ll earn the fear and respect of everyone!” Cake shouted, taking aim once again. 

“Frieza, focus on not getting hit. I can take this guy,” Yamcha’s Ki flared, and he held up his hand, charging and focusing his energy above his fingertips while continuing to avoid Cake’s fire. He then flung it at their adversary, incinerating his weapon. 

“Who the hell are you, anyway?!” Cake demanded. Yamcha tossed his hair back and grinned. 

“My name is Yamcha. I’m a human, from Earth, and I just so happen to be Frieza’s soulmate. So if you’re gonna try anything with him you’ll have to get through me first!” 

“Lord Freiza’s… soulmate?” Cake stared blankly at the human. “This weak, ugly guy?” 

“Hey! Watch who you’re calling weak and ugly here, pal!” Yamcha replied, and dropped back into his fighting stance. Frieza, however, had had enough of this, and stepped in front of him, holding out his arm. 

“I think, even in my currently weakened state, that I’m more than a match for this maggot here, wouldn’t you agree?” Yamcha nodded, and Frieza continued, “Cake, it looks like this will be the end of your time in my employ, as well as the end of your time in this dimension in general. I can’t allow such disrespect as you’ve shown to my associate here, and I certainly can’t allow you to live after that terribly executed, pathetic attempt at an assassination.”

Cake looked nervous, but held up his fists. “Y-you said it yourself, you’re weak right now, Lord Frieza! I can still do this!” He charged clumsily toward the soulmates, but Yamcha kicked his feet out from under him, and when he face planted on the ground, Frieza dropped his knee down hard on his neck. 

Standing back up in a manner far too casual for someone who just crushed a man’s windpipe, Frieza smirked up at Yamcha. “I’m surprised you didn’t try and stop me.” 

“Well, he was bad right? So it’s okay to kill him I guess? Besides, he was trying to hurt you…” 

“There may be hope for you yet, my dear Yamcha. I feel something similar to pride whenever you put your personal needs ahead of the safety of some idiot like Cake!” His expression darkened a bit, and he sighed. “Now get out your phone. I want to see exactly what that Namekian read out to the Dragon.” 

“Right,” he pulled out the device in question. The three wishes were still on the screen.

Frieza read the first one out loud. “‘Undo the stupid wish that Yamcha made on the Earth’s Dragon Balls one month ago.’ That’s exactly what I typed. So why is it that we’re still stuck together?”

“I’m not sure…” Yamcha scratched his head. “I didn’t change that one so I don’t know why- wait!” 

“What is it?” 

“Um… I almost forgot, and I guess you did too, but I made two wishes that day. Aside from wishing for my soulmate, I also wished to be better with women… I guess Porunga realized it was stupid for me to wish to be good with the girls if my soulmate is a guy and undid that instead?“

“UGH,” Frieza covered his face with his hands. “I can’t believe… we were so close to getting rid of this… and my own poor wording ruined it…” 

“I guess fate really does want to keep us together-“ 

“NO.”

“Sorry. But, like it or not, it looks like we are still gonna have to keep this alliance going for a bit longer, huh?” 

“Indeed, as much as I despise it. Now let’s see if we can figure out what else went wrong to cause me to become so weak.” He picked back up the phone and read out the second wish. “‘Make Yamcha’s strength equal with Frieza’s.’ Really, Yamcha?” 

He shrugged and laughed a little. “I just assumed Porunga would make me as strong as you are, not the other way around! I mean, doesn’t that seem like the obvious way to interpret that wish?” 

“You’re an idiot,” Frieza muttered, “But what I still don’t understand is that if you wished for our strength to be equal, why is it that you had the advantage over me in our skirmish earlier?”

“You’re gonna get mad at me for saying this, but… you aren’t a very good martial artist.” 

Indeed, Frieza was clearly pissed. “Imagine, being so foolish as to tell the universe’s greatest warrior that he’s a poor martial artist? Shall I make you eat those words?” 

“I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I’m just being honest! You’ve always been able to get by with just your brute strength, you never needed to worry about technique or form to the same degree as someone like myself!” 

The emperor looked like he was about to punch his soulmate, but after a moment, he sighed and relaxed a bit. “Fine then. Since our situation has been made even more unbearable thanks to another of your terrible wishes, then I expect you to step up and train me.”

“Really? I’d actually love that!” Yamcha smiled, “I hope you’re ready for me!” 

“More than ready. If anything, this will prove your assessment of my martial arts skills incorrect. Now, before any more surprises come up, let’s see what that last wish was… ’show us the exact date that Yamcha’s soulmate will develop feelings for him’ -“ Frieza slowly looked up from the phone to his human. “You… wasted a wish on something that idiotic?” 

“You can’t blame me! I was dying to know!” 

“Well, the Dragon didn’t say a word, so it looks like I’ve been right all along in saying I’ll never have feelings for you other than perhaps dislike and irritation-“ a beep from the phone grabbed both of their attention as a notification appeared. Yamcha read it out.

“Calendar reminder: Event scheduled in one month, ‘Yamcha’s soulmate develops feelings.’”

The two men stared at each other for a moment, wide eyed. “One month from now… You’re gonna love me?”

Frieza blew up the phone, turned around, and started walking back toward the ship. “This is ridiculous. The Dragon didn’t put that there, you must have.” 

Yamcha followed him, practically skipping in his excitement, “Nope, I didn’t make that, that must have been Porunga’s way of showing us! Just one month to wait and then… Oh my goodness! I just can’t even, I’m so excited!” 

“Say one more word about it and I’ll…” 

“Oh Frieza, even if you’re weaker now you still can’t actually hurt me. Now let’s get back to Earth!“

Tuning out his soulmate’s excited giggling, Frieza quietly wondered why he’d ever thought life was preferable to hell.

End Chapter Nine: If Wishes Were Changes

Author’s Note: I was working on this too long. I can’t bring myself to even do a halfassed editing session on it, sorry. Bad grammar is probably the norm here. Forgive me? And leave a comment anyway? 

I can’t design decent OCs to save my life, so the generic Namekian had no personality and a name that’s probably already been used for someone else’s Namekian OC (Shell like a snail shell? Get it?) and I just reused Cake from some of my other fics- he’s just my go to when I need a generic disposable member of Freiza’s forces at this point.

So the world’s most mismatched soulmates are still stuck together, and now one of them has lost most of his original strength… but surely things will go smoothly from here, right? HA. Not likely. Let’s see what drama they have to survive over the course of the next month… Thanks as always for reading! If it wasn’t for you guys, I’d still be writing, I just wouldn’t bother to publish it, and I’d be writing it a whole lot less frequently. But knowing there are other people who enjoy this wonderful trash pair enough to suffer through my bad writing motivates me to keep writing more of it. So thanks!

Oh, one more thing, if anyone’s curious about the other fic I kept vauging about in other author’s notes, writing two things at once is too hard so I’m back to concentrating on this ridiculous story.


	10. We Are Strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The soulmates return to Earth, bluff their way through a fight with Vegeta, call each other out on the things they do to get into each other's heads, and test out a theory...

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 10: We Are Strong

Back on Earth, in a field not far outside the city, a small space pod crashed out of the sky and into the ground. A few moments later, two men stumbled out of the impact crater. “That was by far the most uncomfortable couple hours of my life!” Frieza growled. 

Yamcha shrugged. “It was your choice to not use the Capsule Corp space ship again. You knew before we even got into it that Cake’s ship was meant for one-“

“Oh shut up. My time is just too valuable to waste it on another multiple day trip in that frigid cold deathtrap when there was a properly insulated and much faster alternative. It still wasn’t a pleasant one.” 

“It wasn’t that bad!” Yamcha reasoned, “I mean, it was pretty cozy with you sitting on my lap the whole way but since you’re so adorably tiny your weight didn’t bother me in the slightest-“

“Oh, it was obvious how much you enjoyed that, you pervert. You were poking me the entire way. Are all human males that easy to excite or am I just particularly unlucky?”

“No, you’re just particularly attractive, soulmate!” 

“UGH.” The two men paused their bickering long enough to return home, where Puar was waiting for them, and apparently quite agitated. 

“I’m so glad you’re home safe!” He gave his best friend a quick hug. “Were you able to make the wish?”

“If that were the case then I assure you, I wouldn’t be here,” Frieza answered. 

“Things got a little… complicated,” Yamcha laughed. “We’re gonna have to try again once Earth’s Dragon Balls have regenerated.” 

“Vegeta knows you stole the ship,” Puar said anxiously, “he dropped by not long after you left. He was really angry!” 

“But we were so careful not to be seen! Did he say how he figured it out?” 

Puar nodded. “He’d been keeping an eye on Frieza’s energy and felt it approach the lab then abruptly leave, and was able to put two and two together. He came here to confirm you were gone, and said as soon as he felt him return he was gonna come do something about it…” 

“Is that so?” Frieza asked. “Normally I’d welcome him to try, but I’m temporarily not quite… at my usual strength.” He paused to glare at Yamcha for a moment before continuing, “it would be quite bothersome if he chose this particular moment to pick a fight.”

Almost as if on queue, the apartment’s front door was kicked in by a pissed off Vegeta. “Alright you two, you have ten seconds to tell me what you did with that ship you stole from my wife!” 

Despite his current condition, Frieza confidently smirked at the Saiyan and replied, “Stole that outdated pile of junk? No, we just borrowed it, obviously. If she wants it back all she has to do is go and collect it. If I were her I’d forget the thing though- that ship was a nightmare, we did her a favor by dropping it off elsewhere.” 

Vegeta ignored this and instead advanced on a far less confident looking Yamcha. “And you! The only reason I’ve been allowing this fiend to continue to live on my planet is because everyone insisted you had him under complete control, but clearly not! If you’re going to just let him do as he pleases then I’m going to have to take you both out-“ 

Frieza stepped in between them. “You’ve made your point, now leave. Or will I have to make you?” 

Vegeta clenched his fists. “I doubt you can!” In a flash he powered up to Super Saiyan Blue and took a swing at Frieza- Yamcha had only a moment to consider that taking a hit from the Saiyan would be enough to kill his currently weakened soulmate before closing his eyes and making a panicked dive in between the two. 

After a moment he opened them to find himself staring down a baffled Vegeta, his fist stopped several inches away. Behind him, Frieza chuckled. “Well, look at that, Vegeta. I’m not the only one who can’t kill Yamcha. Not only that, but did you know he made another wish?” 

“What do you mean?!” 

Yamcha picked up the bluff and ran with it. “That’s right. We just got back from using the Namekian Dragon Balls to make a few changes- including equalizing my power with Frieza’s. So, I don’t want to tell you what to do or anything, _Prince_ , but if I were in your shoes right now, I’d be leaving. Unless you’d rather fight us both?”

“This doesn’t make sense…” Vegeta probably would have said more, but at that moment Puar floated over, holding a phone.

“It’s for you, Vegeta.”

“Can’t you see I’m busy here!” 

“It’s Bulma! She says she needs you at home!” 

Vegeta sighed. “Tell her I’m on my way. As for you two, this isn’t over!” 

Yamcha quickly closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a moment, before letting himself slide to the floor. “I can’t believe we survived that!” 

“Indeed… But at least it ended without that ridiculous monkey learning of my temporarily diminished strength. We’ll need to do what we can to keep things that way, otherwise I’ll prove an irresistible target to more than just weaklings like Cake or idiots like Vegeta. However…” Frieza approached his soulmate and held out his hand, which Yamcha of course took, allowing the emperor to pull him to his feet. “We may have learned something valuable.”

“What do you mean?” Yamcha asked. 

“We already knew I couldn’t kill you, from the original wish. But since I’ve been weakened to your level I’ve been able to strike you without difficulty, likely since my killing you would be impossible anyway when I’m so powerless. However, when you so valiantly attempted to defend me a moment ago Vegeta was also blocked from hitting you. Perhaps, as the wish is supposedly protecting us from anything that would prematurely end our time by one another’s side…” 

“Are you saying… we’re basically invulnerable?”

“So it seems, or at least until the time in which our natural deaths would have occurred. I’d imagine it’s the same for myself as for you, we simply haven’t seen it yet as I haven’t faced any serious threats. I’d like to test it.” 

“How should we do that? You want me to call Vegeta back and let him hit you or something?” 

“Of course not! We’re trying to keep anyone else from learning how weak I am right now, remember?” Frieza shook his head. “We’ll have you do it.” 

“No way! I’m not gonna try and kill you, you’re my soulmate! What if we’re wrong and you aren’t protected? If I actually did kill you I’d be so traumatized!”

“Don’t you Earthlings possess some sort of healing medicine that works instantaneously?” 

“Oh, you mean the Senzu beans? I actually do have a couple on hand…” Yamcha left the room and quickly returned with a small bag of them. “I still don’t like this though…” 

“Deal with it,” Frieza answered. “Now, it seems that our strength is only equal when we’re both fully powered up, which means that if I transform back into my first form you should have a clear advantage over me, correct? So I shall do that, and you will hit me with everything you have.” He didn’t think anything of it as he returned to his most suppressed form, but his soulmate on the other hand…

“Whoa…” Yamcha slowly circled the smaller man. “You’re so…” 

Frieza lashed his tail against the ground in irritation. “Weak? Yes, I’m aware of that. Remind me again and-“

“Not that! Okay, maybe that’s true. But honestly that wasn’t what I was in awe of!”

“Wait, you’re blushing and you’ve got those stars in your eyes- DO NOT SAY I’M-“

“You are just sooooo adorable! Look at you! You’re tiny! And you have horns! It’s so cute I can’t handle it!” 

“Just hit me and get this over with before I get sick.”

“…can I touch the horns?”

“Not unless you want one rammed through your heart.” 

“You’ve already stabbed me through the heart, Frieza, you know that!” 

“I meant in a ‘killing’ way, not a ‘cutesy metaphor for your damned crush on me’ way.” 

“But I thought we were supposed to be testing if I could give you a mortal wound? We already know you can’t do the same to me!” 

“You know, Yamcha, the more time I spend in your admittedly difficult company, the easier it is for me to see you’re just doing that… oblivious flirty thing… to rile me up.” 

Yamcha shrugged. “And you do that thing where you pretend you can’t remember my friend’s names just to mess with me so I think we’re even.” 

Frieza glared. “That isn’t pretending. An emperor doesn’t waste his time learning the names of maggots.” 

“Yet you remembered mine when the wish first brought you to Earth.”

Now it was the emperor’s turn to shrug. “Only because you are unusually handsome for a being from a species that looks so similar to those filthy Saiyans.” He waited, and after a moment of quiet he gave his human soulmate an odd look. “…you aren’t going to say anything? How unusual.” 

“Ha! There!” Yamcha leaned down, his face inches from a startled Frieza’s. “See, that proves it! You do that to mess with me too! You keep complimenting me then pretending it’s just a meaningless observation because you like how I react to it!”

“I- I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Frieza quickly looked away, crossing his arms and hoping the other man hadn’t noticed his blush. So maybe he did find the human’s reactions entertaining, what of it?

“And now you’re wide open!” Yamcha shouted- Frieza looked up a moment too late and was unable to block the Ki assisted move that he’d been too distracted to notice Yamcha had been preparing- but as it vanished several inches away from the emperor, the two soulmates stared at each other, and both slowly started to grin. “You… you were right! Not even death can separate us- we can’t be killed! 

“My goodness, I never thought I’d see the day when the unintended side effects of one of your ridiculous wishes could actually be of benefit to me, and yet here we are! Not that it makes up for the other inconveniences you’ve put me through, of course. Which reminds me, you were going to train me, were you not?” 

“That’s right. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be happy to show you how a real warrior fights!” 

End Chapter 10: We Are Strong

Author’s Note: Because my writing skills are shaky, and I’m worried my lovely readers might have missed something due to my own poor communication, here’s a quick reminder of all the wishes and their outcomes! Wish number one: for Yamcha to stop being terrible with women. Outcome- undone by Frieza’s wish to Porunga. Wish number two: Yamcha’s wish for his soulmate to be by his side forever. Outcome- Frieza and Yamcha literally can’t be more than a couple feet away from each other, and anything that would prevent them from being close (such as one being killed, even accidentally) is prevented. Wish number three- Frieza’s aforementioned wish that was supposed to undo wish number two but undid number one instead. Wish number four- Yamcha’s wish for equal strength with Frieza. Outcome- instead of strengthening Yamcha, Porunga weakened Frieza. Now that they’re matched in strength Yamcha’s better fighting skills have him as the better warrior. Wish number five- Yamcha’s wish to be shown when his soulmate will develop feelings for him. Outcome- apparently it’s one month from now… we’ll see what happens won’t we? 

I feel like this chapter was really, really short, but also that I was working on it forever because I was also typing up another part of this fic while I was working on it. Eh.

You read this? I love you? You know that right? Because I do? Very much? And if you leave a review my attention starved heart will spring back to life for a few minutes before returning to it’s usual cold dead state.


	11. I Could Be Staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha trains his weakened soulmate, then Frieza sees something unexpected.

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 11: I Could Be Staring

Frieza and Yamcha had spent the rest of the week training, and a few things had quickly come to light. For one, Yamcha was a genius when it came to the attacks he had created- Frieza was stunned at how powerful and effective the Wolf Fang Fist and Spirit Ball were. While he had some degree of appreciation for them when he had seen the human using them previously, it was only once the emperor mastered these moves himself that he realized their true destructive potential. In fact, the idea of using them once he was back to his own usual strength was so appealing that he honestly didn’t even care that they were the work of a weak human… 

As for Yamcha, he was incredibly impressed by how quick of a learner Frieza was, not only in terms of his signature attacks, but also his ease in the picking up of proper stances and other more technical skills. It was astonishing how fast he was improving, and the human couldn’t help but wonder if his attempt at bonding with his soulmate would eventually doom the entire universe. 

…well, he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. 

There was only one thing he held back from teaching his soulmate, but unfortunately it was the very attack he was most interested in. 

“If you teach me the Kamehameha I will allow you to kiss me again.” 

“That’s not gonna work on me again, Frieza! You still haven’t let me claim the first kiss you promised me, after all!” 

With a sigh, the shorter man considered his options. It would be immensely satisfying to finally destroy Goku with his own signature move, but was it really worth this? He stole a quick glance at his supposed soulmate’s stupid, overly excitable, ridiculously handsome face and sighed again. “It’s inappropriate. You forget, despite my current unfortunate situation, I am royalty. Into it or otherwise I can’t be acting with such a lack of proper decency thank you very much… but if you teach me the Kamehameha perhaps I can be persuaded.”

Yamcha winked. “Now why would I do that and betray both my mentor and one of my closest friends when I can just wait a couple more weeks and get all the kisses I want?”

“I’m telling you, that Dragon has no idea what it’s talking about. I will not be developing ‘feelings’ for you on that or any other date!” 

“You can keep telling yourself that all day if you want, but I believe in Porunga’s power!” 

“Here’s an idea- you shut up and train me or I just tune you out for a while.” 

“Fine, fine, let’s train!” 

\- - - 

“I don’t think you understand the point of sparring. It’s supposed to just be a friendly practice fight-“

Frieza laughed politely, “well of course. It’s not my fault that you and I have rather different ideas of what’s considered ‘friendly,’ now is it?” 

“Well, here’s a tip- even if our physical strength is theoretically matched, if you keep beating on me at full power, I’m gonna end up too sore to train with you for a few days, and you don’t want that, now do you?” 

“Why not use one of those Senzu beans?”

“Because I’m not wasting what’s basically a divine medicine on something that could be so easily prevented!” Yamcha stretched his arm out, cringing slightly. “Yeah, this hurts… gonna be some bruising for sure. That’s it- Frieza, we’re done for today. I think I need a hot bath.” With that he headed back home and Frieza followed, as usual- he didn’t have much choice in the matter after all. They paused in the apartment’s kitchen just long enough to say hi to Puar and for Yamcha to chug down a sports drink. While he did so, Frieza grabbed one of his bottles of wine and a glass, and picked up his tablet from the living room as they headed in toward the master bathroom. 

Yamcha started the water running, then knelt down to look through the cabinet under his sink. “Here we go!” He pulled out a fancy looking bottle with an elegantly printed label and a pink silky bow tied around the top. 

The emperor raised an eyebrow but said nothing. His human shrugged. “Bulma gave me this for Christmas last year but I’m not really into this sort of thing so I stuck it down here and forgot about it, but…” he unscrewed the top and poured a little into the bath. A strong rose scent filled the air, and as the water level in the tub climbed higher, it began to fill with soap bubbles. “Here we go!” He winked at his soulmate. “This way you can join me if you want but I can still stay modest!” 

“Not happening,” Frieza answered, sitting down on the bath mat and leaning against the outer side of the tub, attempting to ignore Yamcha and instead pouring himself a glass of wine and bringing back up the book he’d been reading on his tablet. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his human remove his shirt, socks, and pants, then pause. 

“Close your eyes for a minute will you?” 

“I assure you, I have no interest in looking.”

“But you’re looking right now!” 

Frieza sighed in the most over exaggerated and dramatic way he could and shut his eyes, reopening them after hearing the rustle of Yamcha’s final article of clothing hitting the floor and the splash of water behind him.

“Mmm, this feels soooo good,” Yamcha practically moaned as he relaxed into the bath, already feeling a degree of relief in his aching muscles. “Are you absolutely positive you don’t want in on this, soulmate? There’s enough room for us both and I swear I won’t try anything!”

Setting aside the tablet, Frieza turned around and gestured the length of the tub. “It certainly doesn’t look large enough for two, assuming one of the two is as excessively tall as yourself.” 

Yamcha sat up, drawing his legs closer. “If I sit like this then I’m only taking up two thirds of the bath. You’re tiny enough to fit in that last third!” 

The emperor didn’t answer for a moment, as he was a bit distracted. When Yamcha had sat up he got his first proper look at his soulmate’s post fight torso, and there were the hints of what would likely turn into significant bruising already forming across his muscular chest and upper arms. 

“Umm, Frieza…?” Yamcha asked, his voice a little squeaky. The other man realized he was staring and raised his eyes quickly back toward the human’s face.

“What is it?” 

Even with Yamaha’s occasional complete obliviousness, it had been obvious where Frieza’s gaze had been previously lingering, as well as his downright hungry expression. “Do you, uh, by any chance, have a, you know… fetish?” 

“Don’t be perverse,” Frieza answered, trying to hide his embarrassment in having been caught in the act by looking away and taking a few sips of his wine. “Any warrior would enjoy seeing the injuries they’ve inflicted on their foe.” 

Yamcha folded his arms and leaned over. “Except I’m not you’re foe, I’m your soulmate or whatever.” He winked at Frieza then grabbed his wine and took a massive swig straight from the bottle, draining half of it in a matter of seconds. 

“You’re repulsive,” the emperor snatched the bottle back. Yamcha just laughed. 

“I thought you liked it when I stole stuff?” 

“From others. Not from me!” 

Still snickering, Yamcha flicked a few of the soap bubbles at Frieza, who responded by standing up and grabbing the shower curtain- but before he could close it to separate the two of them Yamcha grabbed his arm and yanked him into the tub, where he landed with a splash. 

“How dare you!” The emperor shouted, attempting to smack the still giggling human with his tail. Yamcha deflected it easily enough and then leaned back, smirking. “Well fine, if you wanted me in this bath so much you’ve got it, I’m staying, but only out of sheer spite,” to make a point, Frieza stretched out his legs, pushing the human back as he did so. 

Yamcha shrugged, “Hey, if that’s what it takes for you to be comfy!” Frieza glared at him for a moment, then kicked him lightly.

“Hey. You’re blushing. You’re getting some sort of inappropriate thrill from this, aren’t you?”

“Um, well, maybe a little-“

“That’s it, I’m leaving-“

“Wait!” Yamcha grabbed Frieza’s arm. “It’s just, I’ve dreamed about taking a bath with my partner for my entire life, that’s all!” 

Slapping the human’s arm away, he answered, “I’ll stay if you stop giving me those creepy looks then.” 

Yamcha smiled and nodded, quickly looking at the wall. After a moment he stole another quick glance and saw his soulmate had relaxed a bit, good… This was nice. The warm water was cozy and so soothing, and the man he found himself more attracted to with every passing day seemed to at last be enjoying himself, stretching in the tub a bit as he continued to sip his wine and read whatever was on the screen of his tablet. 

On the subject of the wine… between what he had drank himself not long prior, his exhaustion after their sparing, and the comfortable temperature of the bath, Yamcha felt a little drowsy. He leaned into the corner a bit, telling himself to stay awake even as he began to nod off… 

A slight change in Yamcha’s breathing alerted Frieza to the fact that the other man had indeed fell asleep. He made no effort to wake him, however, as a sleeping Yamcha is a silent Yamcha. The emperor returned his attention to his book, and almost didn’t notice the passage of time until the water had gone completely cold. Well, that had been pleasant enough while it lasted, he supposed, and started to stand-

-and sat back down rather abruptly. He hadn’t noticed that the soap bubbles previously filling the tub were long since gone, revealing a still sleeping, very much naked human on the other side of the bath. 

Frieza’s eyes slowly made their way down his muscular, bruised chest, passed his defined abs, and… “Dear lord,” he muttered. 

The sound of his voice woke his sleeping companion, and Yamcha opened his eyes to see Frieza, wide eyed and blushing, staring at the spot between his legs. With more speed than either of them realized the human was capable of he covered his intimate area with his hands and a raised leg. Frieza quickly stood up and exited the bath, grabbing a towel and drying off while avoiding eye contact. 

Yamcha, still careful to keep things covered, followed him, throwing on a bathrobe as quickly as he could. 

“Is that… typical for your species?” Frieza asked after a few awkward seconds. 

“Uh, well-“

“Actually forget it, I don’t want to know.” As they exited the bathroom, Frieza quietly brought up the bookstore on his tablet and purchased a text on human biology. 

End Chapter 11: I Could Be Staring

Author’s Note: Sorry for the delayed short chapter, words aren’t working for me right now. I wrote and published a dark little one shot about these two- feel free to check it out if you want some angst- and that seemed to get the words flowing a little again at least. Hope the bath portion of this chapter didn’t push things too hard for this fic's current rating. 

Remember, friends, kudos and comments make me almost as happy as getting a boat made Android 17 at the end of Dragon Ball Super.


	12. If I Could Say What I Wanna Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day that Porunga had predicted has came... the day where Yamcha's soulmate will supposedly develop feelings for him...

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 12: If I Could Say What I Wanna Say

Several weeks of training had passed, and Frieza, with his now vastly improved battle techniques, would quite possibly be the strongest being in the universes-

…if he hadn’t had his strength reduced to the same level as that of the third strongest Earthling. He and the aforementioned Earthling had been sparring almost daily, but after the prior awkward experience they hadn’t taken any more post training baths together. And as time continued to pass, Yamcha was vividly aware of the quick approach of a day he had been looking forward to ever since he had made his last set of wishes… 

The room was dark and the soulmates were getting in bed when he spoke. “I don’t know if you’ve been looking at the calendar, but-“ 

Frieza, already in bed and facing away from the human, just lifted a hand dismissively, cutting him off. 

It took Yamcha quite a while to fall asleep that night. 

\- - - 

The following morning, Yamcha for once awoke not only long before his alarm went off, but also, more surprisingly, before his early to rise soulmate. This was it… the day that, supposedly, Frieza would develop feelings for him.

Holy crap… he turned toward the other man and rubbed his hands together in excitement, nearly giggling. 

As Yamcha watched Frieza sleep, however, his previous feeling of anticipation turned instead to a sort of dread, and then panic. Surely he’d do something today to trigger that change in the other man’s perception of him, and he had no idea what that would be. How was he supposed to make Frieza love him? If he’d known what to do he would have done it already, so how was he supposed to make that happen today? 

Yamcha rolled over on his side so that he didn’t have to look at the sleeping emperor. When he had first made the wish that started this whole thing, he had expected to see a woman- Bulma, maybe, leaving Vegeta for him, or any other of the various crushes he had experienced over the years. But he also knew, being honest with himself, that it could be a man- someone strong, handsome, and worthy of respect, like Tien. 

Frieza was a surprise. An alien villain was his soulmate? But it hadn’t taken much for him to warm up to the idea. As shallow as it may sound, Yamcha was of course attracted to the idea that a beautiful, incredibly powerful, rich, important, difficult to impress being like him was his destined partner. And while, at heart, he was too much of a hero to ever fully forgive Frieza’s villainous nature, the part of him that could tend toward being self serving and morally flexible connected better with the alien than he’d like to admit. He most definitely had a massive crush on the man, and he truly wanted Frieza to love him. 

But did he love Frieza?

Yamcha sighed. He wanted Frieza’s heart for his own because they were apparently soulmates, but giving the other man his? If Frieza woke up at that moment and declared his love would Yamcha be able to return it? 

…so he tried to think it over. Throughout their time together, forced to be at one another’s side, Frieza had constantly been stubborn, rude, sarcastic. Not that Yamcha really blamed him… he’d been living his own life again after all that time in hell and suddenly forcibly uprooted from it and put into a place on Earth where he had no control over anything and was constantly in the company of an overly amorous hero- 

Oh no… For the first time it really hit Yamcha how similar to hell this whole situation really might be for Frieza. He felt guilty. But looking at the sleeping villain whom he’d found himself bound to, this evil person whom he should feel no empathy toward… 

That answered it. This beautiful, horrible, charismatic, difficult, fascinating, sexy, smart, terrible man was indeed the one Yamcha was in love with. He wasn’t sure if he should be troubled or relieved by this, but he wasn’t gonna overthink it. With a little smile to himself he scooted closer to his soulmate and whispered, “I’m so glad I can love you,” before going back to sleep. 

\- - -

Frieza awoke not long after that, aware almost immediately of both the body heat next to (but not quite touching) his side and the warmth of soft breath against his cheek. The nerve of that human, sleeping so close! As he slowly sat up he remembered what today was and rolled his eyes. If he knew Yamcha, the man would probably be bothering him all day long, ugh! But at least once the day was finished he’d understand at last that Frieza was no one’s soulmate! 

In fact, now that he thought about it that way he was starting to look forward to this… an end to the unceasing flirting, no more insistence that they’d fall in love with each other… It was going to be so nice. 

When Yamcha’s alarm clock went off an hour later and the human silenced it before sitting up as well, Frieza smirked, preparing to deliver the news that no, he wasn’t feeling anything for him- but the taller man just looked at the floor, said, “G-good morning, Frieza,” and got up to get dressed. 

Huh… The emperor knew there was no way he had forgotten, so perhaps he was planning something obnoxious? He stayed on guard. 

\- - - 

Puar had never experienced a more awkward meal than that day’s breakfast. Yamcha hardly said two words the whole time, yet every time he took a breath or really even moved Frieza would tense up and glare at him out of the corner of his eye. Obviously Puar knew the significance of the day, and surmised things would stay this uncomfortable until the two of them finally broke the sexual and romantic tension but that had been building between the two of them from the moment that ridiculous wish had been made. For Yamcha’s sake, he hoped Frieza would turn out to be the partner he’d hoped for… But for now? He rolled his eyes. 

“I’m headed out for the day!” the tiny shapeshifter announced. 

“Got it. Guess I’ll see you later!” Yamcha answered, and when moments later he was alone with his soulmate, the man in question groaned internally. Surely this was what the human had been waiting for and, at any moment, he was going to do something irritating… 

But the morning moved forward with hardly any interaction between the two, and now Yamcha was sitting on the couch watching two unimpressive humans fight on television while Frieza tried to read. 

The keyword, of course, being ‘tried.’ He was, unsurprisingly, somewhat on edge, and stared at his tablet while trying to watch the human out of the corner of his eye. This was getting annoying… Why HADN’T he said or tried anything? Surely he wasn’t so foolish as to just assume Frieza would fall for him randomly with no reason? Ugh!

Yamcha, meanwhile, was paying about as much attention to the TV as Frieza was to his book. What was he supposed to do to change his emperor’s opinion of him? He should have asked Porunga how he’d earn Freiza’s love, not when! 

He smiled a little at that word. Since concluding that morning that he indeed truly did love Frieza he couldn’t help it. Of course that also made that day’s supposed revelation all the more important… and so the panic returned. His fingers drummed nervously against the couch cushions as he continued to stare at the television. 

\- - -

This was just getting ridiculous. Despite knowing full well that this was supposedly ‘feelings day’ Yamcha hadn’t even acknowledged it- If anything, he was practically ignoring Frieza! The alien was nearly at his wits end trying to figure out just what his human was planning. 

Yamcha, meanwhile, continued to give Frieza as much space as their situation would allow, hardly even looking at him. After many more uncomfortable hours, the human stood up and turned to Frieza, who immediately tensed up, prepared for something obnoxious- but all Yamcha did was smile a little nervously and say “I guess I’m heading to bed now if that’s cool?” 

The emperor was almost too stunned to react for a moment- but the day’s tense atmosphere finally got to be too much for him and he grabbed the collar of Yamcha’s shirt, yanking him down to his level and shouting, “Alright Yamcha, I’m tired of whatever game you’re playing!” 

The human held up his hands. “No game! Really!” 

“You know damn well what today is supposed to be and yet you haven’t… said or tried anything?!”

Very slowly and carefully Yamcha put his own hands over Frieza’s and removed them from his clothes so he could straighten back up, his inner panic returning full force. “Of course I do… it’s been hard to think about anything else all day! But if I knew what it would take for you to… care about me… I… Well anyway if you like me you like me and if you don’t you don’t but I’m not gonna hound you about it, you know? Gotta at least try and honor your boundaries!” He shrugged and laughed a little, “so uh, anyway, maybe Porunga meant next year. No point worrying about it!” 

Frieza watched his soulmate finish getting ready for bed. He supposed he didn’t really know Yamcha as well as he thought he did.

What surprised him the most though was the realization that he actually wanted to know him. 

A few minutes later Yamcha got into their bed and Frieza stood beside it, his arms folded as he considered things. Yamcha closed his eyes, and Frieza sighed. “I don’t love you.” 

The human’s eyes snapped back open. “I know that-“

“Shut up and listen for a moment, will you?” He nodded, sitting back up a little to listen as Frieza continued. “I can’t love anyone. It’s contrary to my nature. Everything I’ve accomplished, including my survival, is due entirely to the fact that I’ve never hesitated to put my own needs ahead of all else. However…” He sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from his soulmate. “I suppose even I can’t live through an impossible scenario like ours without feeling something, even if it isn’t even remotely similar to romantic love. So in a sense the Dragon was correct, today made me realize I do feel something.” 

“Like… like what?” Yamcha asked. 

That was a good question… Respect, perhaps, for his raw skill as a fighter? Gratitude, as well, for a level of devotion, loyalty, and service that he only wished was echoed by the rest of his forces? 

And something he couldn’t name. A warm feeling when he thought about how much of an adventure this ridiculous situation had been, how amusing Yamcha could be with his foolish comments and easily destroyed self assurance. 

…and attraction. Oh goodness, the attraction. Frieza turned then, glancing quickly over the other man’s gorgeous body and handsome face before meeting his eyes and smirking. “Tolerance. I feel I can tolerate your presence.” 

Yamcha blinked a couple times, then laughed, “well I guess that’s better than I could have hoped- Frieza?!” 

His mind made up, the emperor had moved closer into the bed, their sides touching as he rested his hand on Yamcha’s chest. They held each other’s eyes for a moment. “Well?” Frieza finally asked. Hesitantly, Yamcha wrapped his arms around his soulmate and, after a moment, kissed him. Frieza returned the kiss with much enthusiasm before shoving Yamcha back on the bed and climbing on top of him… 

\- - - 

Not long after, both men were on their backs side by side, holding hands and breathing heavily. “I… I can’t believe we just…” Yamcha squeaked out after a moment. 

Frieza wasn’t about to confess that he’d been researching how the human male body worked just in case he ever decided he’d wanted to go through with that. “Indeed…” 

“Maybe… I’d believe it if we did it again?” 

Frieza blinked, then laughed. “Pervert.” 

“Only for you.” 

\- - - 

More time passed, and a panting Frieza let go of his grip on Yamcha’s hair. The human looked up, smiling as he traced a finger lightly over the emperor’s inner thigh. “You taste really good-“ 

Frieza lightly smacked the side of his head. “Don’t say filthy things!” 

Yamcha shrugged. “Nothing filthy about it! I’m just saying, I could eat-“

Before he could finish the sentence he’d been shoved to the floor and silenced by his soulmate’s lips against his. 

\- - - 

“It’s a good thing I never liked that rug… not sure if we can clean it after that!” Yamcha laughed as he caught his breath after yet another round. 

Frieza smirked. “You’re even messier than that you know.”

“So are you. Shower?” 

\- - - 

“Oh my god,” Yamcha whispered, leaning back against the tiles and slowly sitting on the edge of the bathtub. 

Frieza chuckled as he wiped his mouth and rinsed his face in the shower’s warm water. “Consider that my revenge for earlier.” 

“If your revenge is always like that then I envy everyone that’s ever pissed you off!” 

“Idiot.” Frieza got out, dried off, and once Yamcha had done the same they headed back into the bedroom. 

\- - - 

Exhausted, Frieza looked back over his shoulder at Yamcha, who was kneeling behind him on the bed. “I thought human men couldn’t just keep going like this?”

The human in question smiled, blushing and letting go of Frieza’s hips. “Well, I am a martial artist… I’ve trained every part of my body to maximize my endurance, including that part! In fact I could go again if you wanted-“

Frieza’s tail hooked around Yamcha and pulled him down so that he could put an arm around him. “Consider yourself lucky, you’re one of very, very few who will ever hear me saying this phrase, but for tonight I admit defeat.”

“Wow…” Yamcha couldn’t help but tease. “And to think you once said I couldn’t keep up with you.” 

“Oh shut up,” Frieza answered before giving him one last light kiss and passing out in his soulmate’s arms. 

End Chapter 12: If I Could Say What I Wanna Say

Author’s note: Well, that happened. Good work you two! 

But we aren’t out of the woods yet! Two big obstacles still need to be overcame- they’re still stuck a at an arm’s length of each other at all times thanks to that wish, and, even bigger, the whole one’s a villain and one’s a hero thing hasn’t been resolved… 

I feel like there weren’t enough laughs in this chapter, eh. Sorry about that. 

Insert me begging for comments here. Because I crave them like Yamcha craves Frieza.


	13. The Right Thing To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several months later, our soulmates finally regather the Dragon Balls, planning to make a few wishes...

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 13: The Right Thing To Do

Things had been shifting in that direction for quite a while… but after that day had forced both men to reflect on how they felt about one another, both soulmates were considerably more comfortable with the situation they were accidentally stuck in. As the months passed, while they may have found their forced closeness less bothersome than they had previously, it was still impractical. Furthermore… 

“I quite literally don’t understand how you’ve been able to survive an entire life like this. How did a greater predator not pick you off years ago?” 

“I’m telling you, Frieza, I really am one of the strongest Earthlings. The only ‘predators’ that have successfully ‘picked me off’ have been, you know, aliens and such.”

“And yet by the grace of the Dragon Balls you’re still here despite dying how many times?”

“I try not to count,” Yamcha laughed. 

“It certainly makes me uneasy having us both be so weak… I’d prefer avoiding the addition of any further deaths to either of our counts. As soon as we find that last Dragon Ball our first wish will be used for undoing the one that weakened me!” 

“How are you going to word the wish?” 

“I suppose something like ‘please restore me to my former strength’ should work.” 

“No way! That’s not specific enough! You didn’t say when- what if Shenron takes ‘former’ to mean like, your strength after it was matched to mine but before we trained? Or the strength you had as an infant?!”

“A valid point, particularly with how our prior luck was in regards to our wishes being incorrectly interpreted…” Frieza gave Yamcha a sly look. “Although, even minutes after I hatched my battle power was measured to be considerably higher than your current-“ Yamaha swung a fist at Frieza, but when the emperor dodged it his soulmate didn’t follow up with another attack and instead just pounced on him, kissing the top of his head. Frieza pushed him away but couldn’t keep a little smile from curling his lips. “Must you always be so troublesome, dear Yamcha?”

“Like you don’t love it,” the human replied with a smirk. “Anyway, we’ll get your old strength back with the first wish, and for the second we should get ourselves untied. Not that I don’t love being next to you at every moment but you know, it would be nice if I could go back to my old job again, amongst other things.” 

Frieza crossed his arms. “That shouldn’t be necessary. Once those two wishes have been made, you’ll no longer be a liability- I’ll be able to protect you with my full power, and no one will be able to use our forced closeness to control me. As such I fully intend to return to space and take back up command of my empire.” 

“…you know I can’t go along with that.” 

“I shall never understand you. I keep offering you wealth and importance far beyond what you could ever get from stealing or playing your game here on Earth, and yet you continue to let sentimental moral ideals prevent you from making a choice that would be in your own best interest.” 

The two glared at each other for a moment. They’d had variations on this conversation many times over the past couple months, and it never ended well. Yamcha would generally back down each time, but after the Dragon Balls had finally regenerated and the two had started collecting them, it would be increasingly obvious that soon, a choice would have to be made. 

Unfortunately, both men could be extremely stubborn.

\- - - 

Six down, just one more to go… The soulmates followed the Dragon Radar’s signal to a distant spot on the far edges of the continent. As they approached the indicated coordinates, a small village came into view. Yamcha sighed. “Should have known this had been going too smoothly to not run into something like this.”

“Meaning what, exactly?” 

“When you’ve hunted down the Dragon Balls as many times as I have you start to notice certain patterns- if there’s a large animal or dinosaur nearby it will probably eat the Ball, for example. And if it’s been located in a small village, we’ll have to complete some sort of quest to get it.” 

Frieza was unimpressed. “Yamcha, this is the real world, not some… comic book or poorly written fan fiction. Expecting life to always follow the same easily predictable routes is the mark of a weak mind. You’re better than that, you know.” 

“Oh, you’ll believe me soon enough! Just watch!” 

\- - - 

“Thank you for saving our village, Frieza, Yamcha!” The mayor said, wiping away a few tears of joy, “And for defeating the evil monsters, restarting our power generators, and rescuing our missing villagers!” He paused, then rubbed his hands together. “Incidentally, our village’s water supply has recently been restricted by the terrible duke of-“ 

“Uh, as much as we’re happy to help and all,” Yamcha interjected, “we’re kinda on a schedule here, and I mean, every time we finish one task to help your people another is requested and uh, that’s not really getting us any closer to our end goal here.” 

The mayor was clearly disappointed, but pulled himself back together. “Right, right. Well, if there is ever anything I can do to repay you-“ 

He was cut off by Frieza’s hand around his throat. “Just the Dragon Ball. As we have already discussed several times.” 

Yamcha carefully stepped between the two, and Frieza let go. “Yeah, if it’s cool with you we’d love to just get that Dragon Ball and be on our way now!” 

“Of course, I’ll go get it!” The mayor ran back inside his house. As they waited, one of the villagers approached Frieza.

“Excuse me, sir,” She said quietly. 

“Yes?”

“I wanted to… to thank you myself. You were so brave when you saved myself and the others from the monsters, and just… so unlike the men of this village. They’re so boring and unattractive compared to a hero like you!” She took a few steps closer and grabbed his hands. “Please, stay here in the village with me! Or let me come wtih you, or-“ 

Yamcha tossed his arm around her shoulders and started walking, pulling her away from a very irritated Frieza. “Heeeey. Look, after the whole saving you from monsters thing we’re friends right? So let me give you some advice, friend to friend. Touch my soulmate again and I won’t be happy. Flirt with him again and I will allow him to deal with you himself, okay? Good talk. Now if you’ll excuse me, Frieza and I have some wishes to get granted.” He let go and went back to his emperor, putting an arm around him in a much more intimate way. 

Frieza smirked up at him. “I do so love when you threaten people on my behalf!” 

“Yeah, and I love when you hold yourself back from slaughtering people that annoy you.” 

“It was only because I knew your own reaction would be most amusing. You’re terribly possessive of me, after all!” 

“Well yeah, you’re kinda the best thing to ever happen to me, so of course I’m gonna wanna keep you! Even with everything that’s happened I’m so glad to have wished you into my life!” 

Any further conversation quickly ended as the mayor stepped back out of his house, Dragon Ball in hand. “Here you are, sirs! Thanks again!” Frieza snatched it from him, attempted to fly off, and fell back down to the ground when Yamcha didn’t follow him. 

“You’re very welcome! Good luck to you and your village!” He shook the mayor’s hand and finally followed Frieza’s lead. The two promptly left the settlement and landed in an open clearing not far outside it’s borders. 

“At last… After our prior false attempt, it will be immensely satisfying to get all of this sorted out,” the emperor mused, staring at the spot where Yamcha was busy placing all seven balls. 

“So we’re gonna do this like we agreed, right?” Yamcha asked, “The third wish will be our failsafe in case anything goes wrong with the first two.” 

“Correct. Although surely our wishes can’t backfire yet again… As long as we’re precise and careful with how we word them that last wish shouldn’t be necessary. I think I’ll use it to convince you to return to space with me.”

“I hope you’re joking,” Yamcha sighed. Frieza just smirked. “Anyway, let’s do this!” 

Shenron was summoned as usual, and Frieza very carefully considered his words before stating, “Dragon, we wish for the restoration of my former peak strength!” 

“It has been done, what is your next wish?” 

Frieza closed his eyes and let his Ki surge through him- it seemed that the wish had worked as expected. He was about to let Yamcha know, but a voice shouted from behind them- “I wish for Frieza to have feelings for me!” The two soulmates quickly turned around- the villager from before had apparently followed them and was staring at Frieza expectantly. Yamcha sighed. 

“Look, it’s an easy mistake to make, but I already learned the hard way, you can’t just assume when you say ‘feelings’ that the Dragon will know you mean ‘romantic feelings,’ okay?” 

The emperor nodded, glaring at the intruder. “The only thing I’m feeling toward you is anger that you wasted one of our wishes!” What happened next was so quick that no human should even be able to see it- Frieza shot a blast of Ki in the direction of the woman, and Yamcha, instead of his usual tactic of throwing off the other man’s movement by dodging, knocked the attack out of the air with a carefully aimed punch. As their unwanted visitor ran off screaming, Frieza turned to his soulmate. “That…” 

Yamcha stared at his hands for a moment, then grinned. “If that hadn’t worked I’d have been screwed, ha ha! But it seems that your wish restored your strength, and my wish from Namek-“

“It kept our power matched, so now…” They looked at each other, and Frieza sighed. “I’m not sure if I’m annoyed or aroused by this new knowledge.”

“I don’t know… Shouldn’t it open up some new possibilities for us though? You know… in the bedroom?” Yamcha asked, winking. 

Frieza chuckled. “I suppose you’re right. Aroused it is. Now let’s get this final wish made and then test that theory out, shall we?” 

“Of course, my lord!” Yamcha gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Please get on with it,” Shenron asked. The dragon looked pretty uncomfortable at this point. 

“Alright then,” Frieza said, “We wish to reverse the wish Yamcha made to you that resulted in our current predicament of being stuck permanently together.” 

“It shall be done,” Shenron’s eyes glowed. 

The human turned toward his soulmate. “Do you think it-“

Frieza was gone. 

End Chapter 13: The Right Thing To Do

Author’s Note: Whoops. Looks like undoing the wish undid the part of it that brought Frieza to Earth to begin with. Next chapter is the last chapter of the main story! Will the soulmates reunite and figure out a way around their differing moral codes? Or will this fluffy humor fic end in a depressing twist? 

Not sure how many people made it this far- I know this story rambles a bit. I’m returning to my prior writing method or pre-plotting the story before I start writing with my next fic. But if you did read this far please take a moment and leave a comment! I love my commenters! I know there aren’t a lot of folks into this particular pairing and I’m super grateful that those of you who are Yamza fans sometimes read my work! Also, here’s a reminder that I’m on Tumblr as Majinpiccolo as well and do Yamza fan art. Yay?


	14. The Prettiest Thing I Ever Stole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Separated from one another for the first time in quite a while, Frieza and Yamcha consider their lives without each other, and wonder if there's a way to work around the fact that one is a villain and the other a hero... 
> 
> The concluding chapter of Watch Your Wording!

Watch Your Wording by MajinPiccolo

Chapter 14: The Prettiest Thing I Ever Stole

“Frieza?!” Yamcha spun around in a circle but saw no sign of his soulmate. “Frieza! Where’d you go? Hey!” He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried to feel out his Ki, but had no luck- over the past months he’d gotten to know Frieza’s Ki practically as well as his own, but he was unable to detect any trace of that usually overwhelming presence. 

Pulling out his cell phone he frantically dialed a long-memorized number, muttering to himself, “Goku will know. He’ll be able to feel him, and to take me to him…” 

The call connected and he heard a familiar voice through the speakers. “Hey Yamcha! How’s it going?” 

“Goku, can you get over here like, right now? I need your help!”

“Got it.” Before he could reply the Saiyan was standing in front of him. “Wait, where’s Frieza?”

Yamcha took a deep breath, but paused for a moment. 

He’d trapped the emperor with him against his will for a very long time. Maybe now… If he really believed in what they had together… he’d have to trust that Frieza would come back to him. 

“Um, Yamcha? You okay man?”

“Sorry!” Yamcha laughed. “I was a little distracted for a second there. We finally made the wish and got separated, but don’t worry about him!”

Goku just looked confused. “From how you sounded on the phone I thought it was some sort of emergency with him trying to kill someone or something.” 

“Nothing like that, just… uh,” slowly a downright devilish grin formed on Yamcha’s face. “Since you’re here… wanna spar? 

\- - - 

In the middle of a hallway that he hadn’t seen in quite a long time, Frieza stood, arms crossed, ignoring the questions of one of his soldiers who had seen him suddenly appear there moments prior. He hadn’t been on his ship since the wish that changed his life had been made- in fact he’d been in this exact spot, walking from his personal quarters to the main helm. “Of course,” he sighed, “I misjudged the correct wording of the wish again. I forgot that, aside from keeping us trapped side by side, that wish was what brought me to Earth in the first place. Undoing it sent me back to space…” 

“Um, Lord Frieza? Hello, Lord Freiza? Are you alright?” 

Finally acknowledging the presence of his underling, the emperor glared. “You. I’m trying to think you know, I’d appreciate your silence.” 

“Uh, of course, anything you say Lord Frieza, but uh, should I send word of your return to the rest of the crew?” 

“What part of ‘I’d appreciate your silence’ are you not understanding?” A moment later the size of Frieza’s forces had been decreased by one. As he lowered his hand he frowned at his employee’s corpse. 

It was odd. Casual murder of someone that annoyed him was a habitual instinct, but… in the back of his mind he hadn’t really expected to go through with it this time. He’d gotten so used to Yamcha stopping him any time he tried to harm someone that he almost regretted his action. 

“My dear Yamcha,” Frieza said softly, staring at the empty space to his side, “I suppose our time together changed me a bit more than I’d like…” 

Now what? For the first time in many months he was free again. Which left him with a decision to make. He could resume his usual life, taking back control of his empire and plotting revenge against the Saiyans, or he could return to Earth. There was no doubt that Yamcha would welcome him back with open arms. But while he may have felt a little odd about being able to kill someone again a moment ago, he still knew, at the very core of his being, he was a villain. Being selfless or heroic- these concepts still repulsed him. 

Frieza wanted to be with his soulmate. Up until the wish that restored his strength powered up Yamcha he’d just assumed he’d bring the human to space with him by force if necessary, but now? 

Either he’d have to give up on the one person he could ever really find worth protecting, or they’d have to find some non-existent middle ground… 

“ARGH! Emotions are such disgusting and inconvenient things!” Frieza shouted to no one before heading off to see what fool had been in charge while he was away. 

\- - - 

“This is unbelievable!” Goku, in his Super Saiyan form, stared at a grinning Yamcha, who hadn’t even broke a sweat. “How’d you get this strong?! Did you… absorb Frieza or something?”

“What the hell, man? I’m not Cell or Buu or whatever, I can’t absorb people!” The human answered, “Anyway, wanna try me with Blue?” 

“No way, you’re definitely way stronger, and I’m super impressed, but… if I accidentally killed you I couldn’t face Puar!” 

“Alright then, Goku,” Yamcha said, stretching for a moment before returning to his fighting stance, “I guess I’ll just have to push you so hard that you have no choice but to use Blue!” 

\- - - 

It hadn’t taken more than a few minutes for Frieza to establish his return and resume control- as he stood at the helm of his ship, only half listening to the clearly power hungry idiot that had stepped up to lead in his absence fill him in on what he’d missed, he wondered how Yamcha would take it if he just stayed up here… That sentimental fool was completely convinced that they really were soulmates, so he’d likely take it quite badly. He brought his eyes back to his empire’s momentary leader and saw him flinch- he’d doubtless been hoping Frieza would never return and he could keep his promotion. 

Snakes, all of them. Frieza had never been able to trust anyone because he knew they’d betray him and try to take what was his, and this just further proved it. But, there was just one person who certainly seemed sincere enough in his loyalty. 

If only Yamcha had been willing to flip sides! With his strength now being equal to Frieza’s own no one could stand against them! They could rule over all and not even Goku could stop them! It was frustrating, and exhausting. After handling the bare minimum to properly re-establish his position he headed to bed early. 

\- - - 

Yamcha leaned back on the couch with a sigh. His body ached a bit from his battle with Goku earlier, but it didn’t distract him. Even with Puar napping on a cushion beside him he felt completely alone. 

It was too quiet that evening. The little sounds the human had came to take for granted- wine pouring from the bottle to the glass, the unique tap of three toed feet, muted chuckles when the emperor read a scene he enjoyed in one of his books- they were all conspicuously absent. Frieza’s books… Yamcha sat back up and grabbed the tablet from where it had been sitting on the coffee table. “I wonder what he’s been reading, anyway?” He muttered, powering the device up and opening the ebook reader app. “ Let’s see… Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer? What’s that?” After a few moments of investigation, he sat down the tablet and grabbed a pillow to muffle his giggles. Frieza had apparently not only read Twilight, but bought and read the rest of the series. 

Yamcha smiled to himself. That was Frieza alright- totally unpredictable, and he loved him for it. Although he’d have to tease him for his taste in literature when he saw him again- if he saw him again. That brought his mood back down again, and, feeling dejected, he headed to bed. 

\- - - 

Lightyears apart, two soulmates lay in two beds, both of which felt too large. On Earth, Yamcha stared at the empty space to the left of him, and in space, Frieza tried not to think about the empty space to his right… 

“He was perfect,” Yamcha whispered to no one. “Except for that one thing…” 

“Why did he have to be so stubborn?” Frieza muttered at the ceiling. “His need to be heroic and refusal to understand the logic of looking out for one’s self even at the expense of others- that’s the only thing between us!”

“Of course I’d have the luck to fall in love with an unrepentant villain,” Yamcha groaned. “Although, there were moments… moments when I thought he could change. He did pretty quickly adapt to not being able to kill people, and even if he wasn’t thrilled about it, he worked with me to earn the last Dragon Ball by helping those villagers rather than just burning the place down and taking it..” 

“I suppose he may not be completely hopeless,” Frieza considered. “After all, when presented with a situation that left him without an easier option he was all too happy to return to being a thief. And goodness, dear Yamcha was very, very skilled at that…” 

On both our planet and a ship in the farthest reaches of space, two soulmates sat up, exclaiming, “That’s it! Maybe we can make this work after all!”

\- - - 

The gold colors of sunrise were just barely filtering through the curtains when Yamcha was awoke by a feeling of completeness- Frieza’s Ki was close. He leaped out of bed, threw on the first outfit he could find, and ran up the stairwell of his apartment, arriving on his rooftop seconds later. Squinting up into the sky he could see a little speck… 

The emperor of the universe disembarked his ship, pausing just long enough to tell his staff, “I might be back soon, or it might be a few years. I’m still determining that much. Either way, don’t do anything foolish in my absence.” He then flew down toward the place that had once been his home-

-and the man he should have realized he’d never want to be without. 

“Yamcha,” he spoke, smiling a little as he landed in front of the human. 

“Frieza!” Yamcha almost knocked the smaller man over in his enthusiasm, flinging his arms around him in a tight hug. “I’m so glad you came back!” 

“Of course I’d return to you,” he answered, returning the embrace. “You are, apparently, my soulmate…” 

“I had an idea, a way we could maybe stay together even with our, uh, differing moral stances…” 

“Incidentally, I had also considered a possible compromise…” 

\- - - 

Several months later, a large truck made it’s way down a long highway through the desert. It was a beautiful evening with a dramatic sunset on a mostly abandoned road, so it’s driver could be forgiven for being a little distracted. She almost didn’t notice a large boulder blocking both lanes until the last second- years of experience kicked in and she was able to get her rig safely stopped with a few yards to spare.

“What the heck?” She wondered out loud as she put on the blinkers and hopped out of her cab to investigate. “How am I supposed to get around this?” 

“You don’t, obviously.” A voice answered, and a short, pale being with a long tail stepped out from behind the large rock. 

To her further shock, the boulder vanished in a puff of smoke, replaced by a small blue flying animal who added, “at least not until you give us what you’ve got in your truck!” 

“I’m… I’m not carrying much cash but-“ 

“Oh ho ho, don’t you worry!” The man laughed, “We don’t want anything of yours. You, your truck, and your own belongings are safe- my partner demands that much. We just want that load of fuel you’re carrying!” 

As if on queue, she heard the familiar sound of her trailer being unhooked, and turned around just in time to see it fly up into the air, carried by a tall man with long, dark hair. “It’s cool,” he shouted down, “Your company’s insurance should take care of this for you!” 

Screaming, she leaped back into her truck and floored it, vanishing into the evening’s darkness in a fog of diesel fumes and cacophony of grinding gears. A mile or two off the road the group met back up beside their ill gotten trailer. 

“Great work, team!” Yamcha exclaimed, giving Puar a high five and Frieza an enthusiastic kiss. “This is gonna selll for quite a bit!” 

Frieza nodded, “As usual, you’re quite gifted at choosing our targets… amongst other things. Shall we get this hidden and go somewhere nice for dinner to celebrate?” 

“Sounds like an excellent plan to me, soulmate!” 

The group headed off as the sun finally sunk below the mountains. After getting changed and enjoying a meal at a rather fancy restaurant, they flew home. Halfway there, Puar pointed at the sky. 

“Look! A shooting star!” 

Frieza gave Yamcha a smirk. “Doesn’t your culture make wishes when you encounter such a thing?” 

“Oh hell no, I think I’ve had enough wishes go wrong to last a lifetime!” The human laughed. 

“A valid point. As for myself,” Frieza mused, “I suppose I don’t need any more wishes. I have attained exactly what I need to be happy for the time being.” 

“Frieza…” Yamcha smiled back at his emperor. 

With a sigh, Puar flew off ahead of them, arriving home not long after. When the soulmates finally arrived (looking somewhat disheveled) several hours later they headed straight to their bedroom, both in an excellent mood. 

They really didn’t need any more wishes. Not as long as they had each other. 

End Chapter 14: The Prettiest Thing I Ever Stole

Author’s Note: So ends the main fic! I say main fic because I might add some other stuff- scenes I had considered but didn’t end up writing, as well as their future adventures. We’ll see. But for now it’s complete!

Sorry it took forever, I’ve been sick and overworked at my job so less inclined to just sit down do anything. 

What’s next? More Yamza. Because I can’t get this ridiculous crack ship out of my head. THANK YOU SO MUCH to anyone who read this whole rambling fic, I love you so much. You have no idea how much I love you. It’s downright creepy how much I love you. Feel free to leave a comment so I can further love you.


End file.
